So I took Hipster Jr. down to a soccer tournament in in South Jersey somewhere. It was originally supposed to be at Fort Dix, which is also in South Jersey somewhere, but apparently there have been some security concerns on army bases of late and having 8.5 billion 8 – 16 year-olds running around in shorts and polyester shirts probably wasn’t going to help improve the situation. So they moved us to an even more rural location — because rural locations are apparently the only places with enough land to support said 8.5 billion children and their parents. And their parents’ lawn chairs and rolling coolers. The park was rural enough that there were very few choices in terms of lodging in the immediate vicinity. So Ms. Hipster booked us into the awesome Quality Inn about 20 minutes away in the town of Millville – Vineland (a town so fancy they gave it two names!)
I only found out later that this is apparently the hometown of Angels’ superstar Mike Trout. I mean no wonder the guy is so good at baseball; there is literally nothing else to do in this town (besides go to Buffalo Wild Wings, which has been a lifelong dream of wing-loving Hipster Jr). So after I fielded this actual question from Hipster Jr., “Mr. Hipster, [because, out of respect, that’s what he calls me] are all motels as nice as this one?” we settled in for a night of TLC’s My Giant Life and MythBusters and were both amazed when an ad came on for a dating service that seemed so targeted and so outside our normal sphere of normalcy that we both turned to each other wondering if it was in fact a real commercial.
And that was farmersonly.com. And it is indeed a real thing. And mind you, we were like a quarter mile from a strip mall with like a Target and WaWa in it. But I suppose farmers need to buy cheap undershirts and menthols too. But we weren’t in the middle of Iowa or Idaho or wherever it is farmers are really from. New Jersey has the highest population density in the United States for god’s sake. I had no idea that it was so hard for this sub-culture (if you could call it that) to find dates. I mean they have those rich government subsidies and non-GMO foods that save trips to the supermarket. And tractors and boots that smell of cow manure and those tans that start mid-bicep and work their way down. How could a woman resist? Of course, like any modern dating site, farmersonly also offers men seeking men and women seeking women. I feel like there might be a real market for that. Though, like their slogan says, “City folks just don’t get it.”