Apparently I’m a gun-toting wife-beater. So says the state of Missouri in this court docket.

Okay obviously this is a different Michael Fayne, but I got to thinking about this whole “Googling” phenomenon the other day when a couple nice women I used to go to elementary school with wrote to my whole class about the reunion they had out in LA. Yes, I went to a school that actually had a reunion for our elementary school class. I won’t mention what year reunion it was, but suffice it to say that in the number of years since I graduated, there’s been a whole generation of children born that is almost old enough to drink.

Anyway, I don’t usually do the whole Googling thing, as I think it’s more of a background check for dating than anything else, but imagine if one of my old classmates got curious about what the hell I was up to these days. Apparently I’ve moved to Missouri and am busy buying firearms and pounding on my spouse. Whew, I got off with five years probation. Oops, I violated my court order and got tossed in jail. What a mess!

It’s not this guy’s fault that he shares my name, but did he have to besmirch it by coming up in a Google search, while I barely register a squeak? It’s probably not something he thought about while cracking his wife’s skull with a baton, or whatever he did, but, man, please, there could be some potential employer out there who Googles me, comes across this document and decides to pass on karmic value alone. I can’t believe I’m jealous of a convict!