Cuisine: Juice Bar & Smoothies
I’m not really sure how the high school girls eat this stuff in the middle of the day. They walk down from the school campus, grab a giant bowl of very caloric mush and then head back to, what, take a nap at their desk for the rest of the day? Because, man, this an’t so much a meal as it is a calorie bomb in the guise of a healthy dessert. With a little protein, of course. Because this generation learns the ‘p’ word before they even comprehend the concept of mom or dad. They are obsessed. My generation was pretty much like if I stay off the crack, I’m doing okay. The thought of hitting my one billion gram a day protein goal was never at issue. Less than 14 cigarettes and maintaining a strict liquor-before-beer policy and we were golden.
So, what exactly is a playa bowl? Well, as far as I can tell it’s something a couple surfers in South Jersey made up after possibly hanging out stoned in Hawaii at some point. Or Brazil, maybe? I’m honestly too lazy to read the entire history on their site, but that’s what I gleaned from skimming it and Googling the word “açaí.” I mean, it’s pretty impressive that these two burnouts built a 400-store empire based on serving a heretofore unknown berry (at least on the East Coast) to a bunch of teens obsessed with the amount of oxygen in their blood and stuff deemed superfoods. Frankly, I had no idea that there was more than just this one location in Montclair, but like the music of Noah Kahan and his ilk, I’m completely blind to things not meant for me. I do kinda like the whole surfer decor, though. It reminds me of this cheesy bar in NYC where we used to do bar trivia back in the 90s, Mo’s Caribbean, with its whole surf board and palm tree theme.
And so it was Hipster Jr. Jr., herself one of those aforementioned teens, who suggested we get Playa Bowls for lunch one day. Somehow, despite the store being mere steps from Casa del Hipster, she’s never been and wanted to try it out. Ms. Hipster and I — both grown-ass adults — looked at the menu confused, but just kind of threw a dart at what seemed, again, more like dessert than a midday meal. Now, I’ve probably mentioned a few times on this site, that I’m not really a fruit guy. Melon can be good. Banana is a flavor I’m into. I can tolerate a very crisp apple and while I never reach for them, I can handle an orange. But I don’t like berries and hate stone fruit or things with fuzzy outsides or general tropical flavors. Pineapples can get fucked. So I went with the most innocuous thing I could find that involved some sort of banana base (which is banana, honey, and almond milk) and vanilla protein topped with blueberry flax granola, banana, mint, and Nutella. I’m not sure what I was expecting for $11, but it’s actually a lot of food. Like more than one should probably eat in a sitting. 800 calories worth. And it’s a bit of sweet on sweet on sweet. So, the first bunch of spoonfuls of the semi-frozen base are tasty, but then as it thaws, it becomes a bit more banana gelatinous / mushy. Like if you’ve ever had a frozen banana on Balboa Island (a la Arrested Development), it starts off like a frozen treat until its core fruitiness is exposed and the weak structural integrity and semi-weird ripeness flavor hits a level of diminishing returns. The coldness mutes a lot of that flavor, frankly, which at first was disappointing, but then kind of tips over into the I-should-probably-stick-this-back-in-the-freezer-for-the-second-half territory.
Ultimately, the menu, for me, is pretty limited what with my whole aversion to most fruit. Though I’m a fan of pretty much anything banana and chocolate. And I did enjoy my bowl for the most part because its contents followed this list. Would I do it again? Honestly, I’m not certain. Or not certain without a defined planned of attack. I would not try to eat the whole thing at once, that’s for sure. So, I could do half and then stick it in the freezer and take it up the next time I needed a fruit sugar burst. Or wanted to refresh that banana base. Side note: I did check the whole protein thing with Hipster Jr. who, as a young adult, was definitely focused on that metric not too long ago and he tells me the ratio of calories to protein in these bowls is “pretty shitty.” So, when it comes down to it, I’m a little dubious about the constant protestations that their food is so “healthy” and “so much good stuff.” Seems more like a pretty dessert to me. Which I suppose is fine for an occasional splurge, but not something I’d hit up on the regular.
28 South Park – Montclair
973/337-8162
playabowls.com
