Yes, this is a Taco Bell. Not the first one I’ve reviewed on this site. Probably not the last. So, why in the year of our lord, 2025, would I waste the digital ink on a fast food restaurant that serves fake Mexican food? Because I sold my soul to this corporation years ago as a teenager in LA. My high school buddies and I were probably responsible for most of the value of its stock through the late 80s. Only to be bolstered by Ms. Hipster and myself during our Sunday binges in the late 90s at probably the worst Taco Bell to ever grace this Earth on 2nd Ave. and 95th St in NYC. I’m pretty sure they just let the local homeless dudes make the Mexican pizzas while they smoked blunts in the walk-in. Yet we ate there pretty much every weekend (well, not inside the store, because it was more of a dank alley than an actual eatery). I’m pretty sure I once got a taco that was just an empty tortilla. But it was like 49 cents, so who cared. Plus, we were almost always hungover and I wasn’t walking that downhill/uphill 94th Street block to get a refund.
This Taco Bell is way better than that one. In fact, Taco Bell has done that fast food homogenization over the years where all their restaurants look like the same grey and beige box. Pell off those Taco Bell letters and that bell logo and it’s a Sit ‘n Sleep. Fuck that place, by the way. You’re not fooling us; you’re still Sleepy’s and you’ll always be worse than that roach infested, needle strewn Yorkville Taco Bell with your stupid sales “techniques” and absolutely depressing vibes. Somehow this is turning into a mattress store review, but I’m pretty sure everyone is on my side that all bed salesmen would rather be riding around in a windowless white van with a bag of candy and bad intentions if they weren’t such absolute cowards. And we all know the Pillowtop Deluxe King is the same shiz as the Pillowtop Supreme Sleeper. Just fess up, man.
So, Taco Bell. It’s not Mexican food that same way McDonald’s isn’t a burger. The same way Domino’s isn’t pizza. But as a teenaged stoner or starving adult on a roadtrip, there’s something special about all of them. And it’s that consistent and familiar flavor of a Taco Bell soft taco or the ever-shifting, but always the same, name of their lowest-level nachos that get me coming back. Sure, this last time I got something called a Stacker, based on the recommendation of Hipster Jr., but even that new kind of weirdo taco/quesadilla hybrid felt like a warm hug. And, yes, this location — and all the Taco Bells at this point — doesn’t look like a weirdo imitation California Mission or like an ugly beige box like the Santa Monica location I ate almost every summer weekend in high school (which is currently rocking a 2.2 rating on Yelp!) but it is emblazoned with a nice New Jersey tattoo that integrates a ghostly bell that also looks a bit like an epiglottis and a clearly half-erased “Live Más” catchphrase that was painted over with a slightly lighter shade of poop brown (which, frankly, isn’t a great color for a Taco Bell).
Ultimately, our first visit everything was great. We ordered on the kiosk and the food came out quick. Was our taco filled to the brim? No. In fact, was the meat to tortilla ration in any way consistent. Not really. But it had been a minute since we had The Bell and it was good nonetheless. The second time the food came out a bit slower. Different time, different crew. Did they give Ms. Hipster a side of guacamole instead of sour cream? They did. But one mistake is the floor expectations wise. Is their “hot” sauce seemingly less hot than it used to be? It really is. But it may be — and I don’t have any history on this — because they now have four levels, so the “fire” sauce is the old hot sauce and the “diablo” sauce is like one step up from fire. I don’t know, but I figured hot would have some heat. It does not. Anyhow, this joint was clean, the folks working there seemed cool and they only messed up our order like 5%. Totally worth it.
540 Main St. – Orange
862/252-7371
tacobell.com
