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I guess this is what I get for dialing up a Sam Raimi movie. This over-the-top cartoonish version of reality that somehow works when hell comes to Earth. But, to me, is less interesting when dealing with a two-hander that is supposed to be some sort of commentary on the human condition, power and gender dynamics. On a desert island. Which means that the wacky CGI boars and constant bloodshed followed by inhuman interactions just wasn’t hitting the right notes in my head. I don’t need serious drama or anything, but wry commentary is only wry when it’s subtle and not just douchery over and over again, followed by zaniness. Followed by inconsistent personality traits followed by more bloodshed. And a big “twist” that’s mostly given away earlier in the film because the screenwriters just couldn’t help themselves. Looking up their bonafides, it’s not an impressive list of prior writing assignments, which include a sum total of two terribly rated Friday the 13th movies (a film series where the main character doesn’t even talk) and the Baywatch movie. Yuck.

You know those movies where they take a good looking woman, don’t wash her hair and stick some glasses on her to make her “ugly?” And then they give her a bunch of cats? This is that movie. Okay, Linda Liddle (Rachel McAdams) has a bird and not a horde of cats, but same same. In this case she’s also surrounded by a bunch of shitbag co-workers, all of whom let her do all the work and take all the credit. She’s your stereotypical doormat. But she’s also a huge fan of the show Survivor. Like a huge fan. I watched the first season of the series. And little pieces of it here and there. But my understanding of the show is that if you’re a huge, obsessive follower, all you’ll get from that is how to play the game Survivor. Not necessarily like how to survive being stranded on a desert island. Which is exactly what ends up happening to Linda and her new horrible boss, Bradley (Dylan O’Brien), when the private jet they’re on crashes on its way to Bangkok. Leaving only Linda and Bradley alive and stranded on what we assume is a deserted island in the middle of whatever ocean Bangkok is near. How fortuitous for this fan of Survivor and survival. I’m the CEO now, biatch!

Turns out she’s so survival ready that her armpit hair doesn’t even grow. Granted, Bradley’s beard grows at the rate that a prepubescent boy would be proud of. Apparently this parable (or whatever it’s supposed to be) is more interested in the idea of the situation than the situation being realistic. Or at least not exposing us to peeing and pooping and unsightly body hair. Despite it technically being a horror thriller that definitely isn’t afraid to show some pretty grisly CGI nonsense. But, yeah, the idea of being stuck on this island — even if its with a narcissistic asshole nepo baby — seems to excite and delight our loner weirdo, Linda. After all, they’re now in her domain where her boss no longer has dominion and has no clue how to survive. In fact, he’s pretty badly injured in the crash and is dependent on Linda to take care of him while his damaged leg heals. But, despite this, he’s still a dick. Which honestly makes no sense. Dude knows without her he’ll just sit there and die quickly of thirst and/or exposure. Yet, he’s still a complete asshole to her. Which goes to the point that the writing is not great. It’s inconsistent and confusing and unsubtle.

And back and forth we go. Bradley’s a dick. Linda teaches him some lesson on how to be a more empathetic and humble person. They flirt — or at least what feels like flirting, despite her being quite a bit older than him and obviously not his thing based on the girlfriend we meet back on the mainland. But then she has to teach him another lesson when he steps out of line. And back to flirting and jokey dialogue. Her character is just odd in that way. She seeks to change him — to see things from her perspective — yet she continually seems to soften to his charisma. Even though it’s really clear he’s just warming in order to hose her. Over and over again. And I think we’re supposed to think he’s kind of an idiot, but perhaps not? Because it should be really obvious that on his own he’ll die. So, he needs her. Yet he seems to always be trying to ditch and/or get rid of her. Even though to him and to us it’s obvious that it will be curtains for him without her survival knowledge. Knowledge that, frankly, stretches way beyond the Survivor level of knowledge. She knows about every manner of flora and fauna — which definitely varies depending on what part of the world you’re in. So, the fact she knows about every obscure plant and animal that happens to happen on this island is very unrealistic. Which, again, is probably not what I should be focusing on. But it’s still a major plot hole.

During their time on the island Linda kills a very fake looking animated wild boar. In comically violent violence. I’m still confused why it’s so hard to render animals in CGI. Even in high-budget stuff, they always look like something from The Lion King. I don’t want to go into too much detail around the narrative, as things happen that lead to a wanna be M. Night type twist, but everything that does happen is pretty telegraphed through clunky dialogue and foreshadowing that might as well have giant cartoon arrows pointing to it. I will just say that the details of these happenings are done with very little attention to detail. For instance, someone ends up buried on a beach, but somehow their arm is just kind of sticking up out of the sand. Or perhaps they weren’t buried, but fell from a great height and just kind of hit the sand so hard they got mostly buried? Neither of these options make sense. And the fact the arm is sticking out gives away the body’s presence, so it just kind of has to happen despite the reality of it being dumb. There are also grievous injuries that happen to characters that they seem to just be able to shake off. Or at least not die from and pretty much just power through. We’re talking chunks of flesh missing from necks and eyeballs pushed into skulls and stuff. Gross. Honestly, the detail that bothered me the most is something I can’t put in here without spoiling the “twist.” I’ll stick it in here after the video trailer below**.

Anyhow, perhaps this just isn’t my genre. I don’t mind a two-hander. But there’s something about the actual script that I just didn’t enjoy. The shifts in the characters’ personalities and oddball reactions to each others’ reactions. And the sudden bursts of kooky violence. It all just feels a bit hacky. It’s a shame, really, as the two stars are charismatic and decent when they’re able to be. But it’s all kind of fudged in the execution. Honestly, there could have been some really good conceptual stuff about power dynamics and misogyny and other things I’m too dumb to understand here, but instead we got this kind of tongue-in-cheek cartoon that was more interested in physical nonsense and one reveal that wasn’t much of a reveal. It ended and I was like, “Huh, that was indeed a movie.”

**When the reveal comes along that the island is not, in fact, uninhabited we go to the fancy mansion place where Linda has been hanging out and there is tons of fresh fruit and stocked everything in the house. Despite the fact the family who lives there has clearly left for the season. Why would the help replenish all of the fresh food and perishables and stuff if nobody is going to be there? Well, they wouldn’t. Not mention nobody seems to miss the dead girlfriend? Also, those people who live on the island would have definitely noticed the two of them living there and would have certainly found evidence of them living there afterwards when Linda has become all famous and has herself become a monster. But what do I know?