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Prague

by mr. hipster January 22, 2011
January 22, 2011
Prague
75

Prague is a place I’ve wanted to visit for years. It had that Eastern Block tinge, plus a brutal and medieval history reflected in its architecture and grand austerity. I pictured snow-swept empty squares like the kind I imagined in Moscow, spies around every narrow corner and underground bars filled with dudes in tweed smoking foreign-smelling cigarettes and drinking exotic elixirs made by bent-back old farmer ladies. It turns out there are a lot of myths and misconceptions about Prague–most of which I bought into.

We Bake You Always the Fresh One

#1 – “Oh man, you’re gonna have such awesome beers while you’re there. You’re gonna drink yourself silly.”
Verdict: Not true and true.
The city, like a lot of Europe from what I gather seems to be controlled by one or two breweries. Essentially every bar has a Pilsner Urquell sign outside, and that is the beer they serve. We ran into a couple places that served Budvar (Czech predecessor to Budweiser) and a giant brewpub that served some sort of light and dark beer that was either brewed there or was like Pilsner Urquell’s no-name brand. I had a couple other homemade beers and something calledStaropramen Skvely and Bernard Pivo and Krusovice, but those were mostly indiscernible from the other pilsners. The brewpub, U Fleku, was packed to the gills with completely destroyed people–none of whom fell for the “hey, you want a shot?” scam that added like thousands of korunas to our bill. Apparently they make booze out of dodo shit in Prague. Regardless, that was a good time, and stumbling back across the city to our hotel afterwards proved even more fun. We hit all sorts of bars while we were there, including some clearly local joints filled with students (high school by the look of them), bohemian writer/singer types and one underground joint that was pretty much completely filled with cigarette smoke even though we were mostly alone for the first half hour (while the bar filled with Czech locals upstairs rocked). The weird thing we did notice is that most of th bars that we did hang out in were completely too bright. Subtle lighting apparently hasn’t made it to Eastern Europe quite yet.

U Fleku

#2 – There will be mysterious deserted streets with spies lurking in darkened doorways.
Verdict: True and not true
Not unless you count a giant pack of Asian tourists following some dude with a flag or a giant Swiss family and their babbling children mysterious and spy-like. I’ve clearly watched too many Bourne andMI movies, but nothing could prepare me for the sheer number of tourists snaking through the narrow streets and squares. Granted, this was low season, so the crowds were way less than what they could be. Not to say once night fell that we turned down alleys and streets (which were built way before automobiles and in some cases are barely wide enough to walk down shoulder to shoulder) and encountered nothing but nothingness. It was cold and apparently the hordes of tourists went to bed early, because there were periods walking back from bar-searching wanderings without seeing another human for minutes. In retrospect, the New Yorker Spidey sense in us clearly didn’t tingle even when heading down narrow completely dark alleys and streets. Ancient darkness is somehow darker than New York dark. Who knows if that was stupid, but I’m writing this so clearly the spies and shadowy men were inside warming themselves by the fire. And then again the day came and the crowds surged. Strange.

#3 – The city was and is a center of culture and liberal thinking
Verdict: False.
One day we decided (completely against the norm) to take a walking tour or Prague. I had visions of us and a bunch of gawking French freaks craning our necks at every spire and gothic window frame as others launched and pointed at the lame tourists. Beside that facteveryone there seemed to be a tourist, we lucked out and ended up with a tour guide and just one freakish Canadian woman. She honestly wouldn’t shut the fuck up, and our guide, who turned out to be absolutely awesome, looked at times like he wanted to punch her in her national-health-care-havin’ face. Apparently a sense of humor doesn’t come standard on the middle-aged (probably gay) Czech tour guide. Granted, when she left us before we entered the Jewish quarter (she had paid only for a 3/4 tour), we were relieved to be rid of her know-it-all exuberance. And that brings us to Prague’s history, which seemed to be full of Protestants and Catholics putting each other’s heads on stakes and throwing each other from government building windows and bridges. All the while the Jews toiled away in a ghetto and then came the Nazis. Apparently, and very interestingly, the Czech made a deal with Hitler–thus the sparing of Prague during WWII, one of the few cities not to be shelled by the Germans. Essentially Hitler told the Czech that he really dug Prague. He loved it so much that he promised not to bomb it if they just layed down their arms and didn’t resist and also helped him a little with his “Jew” problem. This involved helping to conspire to fool the Red Cross and others that, by using Prague’s Jews (and gays and cripples) in an elaborate ruse, he could use them to put on a fake show that he was treating them well and not in fact subjecting them to concentration camps, twisted experimentation, starvation and ovens. The Czechs agreed in order to save their city. Makes sense, I suppose. What they didn’t know–and why you should never trust a Nazi–is that Hitler actually planned to eventually move his lovely German citizens into Prague and ship out all of the real residents to a gulag in Siberia. What a guy! So hundreds upon hundreds of years of religious intolerance and murder ended with conspiring with an evil regime so they wouldn’t bomb the pretty buildings. And today there are like 47 Jews in the city and we get a tour of the bridge where dudes’ heads sat dripping blood and churches where Catholics crushed Protestants and vice versa and everyone loves Saint Wenceslaus.

#4 – The architecture is pretty damn cool
Verdict: True.
We stayed in a hotel that dates back to like 1319. From the outside it wasn’t much. From the inside it was pretty sweet, but not the ancient castle-y thing you’d expect, but when you consider the shitty hotels and motels that dot the country in the US, you realize it’s pretty damn cool. My sense of architectural timing is also a little dicey, so I don’t recall exactly when things are actually medieval and Gothic or actually romance or if they’re “revival,” but the city is stuffed with crazy looking gothic churches and towers and all sorts of nutty palatial pomp. It’s just not the kind of thing you see in the US, and makes my 1912 house look like a crappy condo from the 80s. Granted, on our somewhat long journey from the airport, we passed all those magnificent Soviet era cinderblock apartment building complexes, which couldn’t be more depressing if there were dead puppies hanging from them. The Russians certainly know how to fuck up a landscape.

Prague

# 5 – You’ll definitely need more than a few days there.
Verdict: False.
We were there for three days, which was more than enough. The city, in relation to NYC, is absolutely minuscule. You can walk from one end to the other in like 20 minutes and cover almost every street in a couple nights. After being in Amsterdam, where there are 20 bars on every block, we had to search for places in Prague, and after searching high and low, I feel like we hit at least half of them. Not true, of course, but it certainly felt that way. Any more time there and we might have circled the blocks around our hotel one too many times and had the secret police on our ass – or would have died of goulash poisoning.

#6 – This is not the place one goes for good food
Verdict: True.
The first night we were there we went to a giant two-story restaurant and bar called U Vejvodu that had pretzels at the table, served beers, potato soup and spicy goulash and dumplings. That was probably the best meal we had there. It was heavy and peppery and hit the spot on a chilly night. Once was enough. Pretty much every restaurant we encountered from there on out would serve some amalgam of Italian or non-descript European fare, but would always have goulash and dumplings, which were labeled “traditional Czech food.” It would be the equivalent of every American restaurant having pizza and burgers on their menu regardless of the main cuisine in an attempt to sell to the tourist mobs. I had goulash at least one or two more times, but the dumplings, which are basically boiled bread, were always too heavy, the gravy too thin or the meat too tough. All in all the food was pretty terrible once you got beyond the traditional food in an actual traditional place.

czech goulash

So, in conclusion, Prague is a beautiful, mysterious city with a violent intolerant history, and is not full of spies or lots of exotic booze and the food kinda sucks.

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      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Mattress Firm “Jumbled Up”

      August 10, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: JUBLIA “Dad’s Toenails”

      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Origami Angel: Feeling Not Found

      June 12, 2025

      Album Reviews
      PUP: Who Will Look After the Dogs?

      June 2, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Origami Angel: Feeling Not Found

      June 12, 2025

      Album Reviews
      PUP: Who Will Look After the Dogs?

      June 2, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Real Pain

      January 31, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Quality Pizza Co. Midtown

      September 10, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      SGD Dubu So Gong Dong Tofu & BBQ…

      May 9, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary