Cuisine: Burger Joint
You’re in Manhattan and you’re eating at a Five Guys? What the hell is wrong with you, Mr. Hipster? Have you sold out to big burger and all its accoutrement? Well, I had Hipster Jr. Jr. with me before heading to some sort of K-pop extravaganza and she eats about four things. One of which is burgers. I will not pretend this is a special place. There are apparently over 1,700 of them — seemingly 725 of them in NYC alone. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be good.
This one in particular is… not the cleanest on Earth, nor the best run. There were somewhere between two and three employees on break when we walked in. One might have been playing snake on his Nokia. Another was watching glow-up videos on an iPad the size of a Cadillac and the third was standing facing the corner like a Blair Witch victim. Okay, they were probably doing some version of that and not exactly that, but I do know they weren’t cleaning the joint. The garbage was filled to the brim, the tables were littered with detritus and the crazy self-serve Coke machines seemed drippier than they should be. It wasn’t a house of horrors or anything, but a quick five minute scour could have made a big difference.
I’m pretty sure that the people who scout Five Guys locations are spatially challenged. Or the company goes after distressed locations that nobody else wants, because they tend to be awkward or just generally odd. This one is no different, with its long, runway setup and confusing ordering-versus-paying-versus-pickup situation. It’s not going to win any feng shui awards is all I’m saying. Maybe a People’s Choice, but that’s about it. Thing is, they make a good burger. And good fries. And the aforementioned insane Coke machine where I can get a cherry vanilla Coke Zero? I mean, heck yeah.
What you might have to put up with, however, is some sloth-like service. To be fair, we may have caught the dreaded shift change / guy on his break in the corner Venn diagram of nonsense. But more than likely, the crew just decided to slow-walk our order. The flattop and fryer are right there, so it’s not as if they could hide. I just got the sense they chatted for a while, maybe waited for the fry guy to come back from his snake adventure and for the burger chef to get her face prepped like that Maybelline influencer, and finally remembered they worked at a place that serves food to the public. So, we waited. And waited. In a dining room that had about three other people — who were also waiting. And, hallelujah, when the food finally showed up at the counter, it was hot. And it was tasty. They do that weird thing where they fill your fry cup and then throw a whole bunch more all loose in the bag. I will never say this, ever, but it’s almost too many fries. But, damn, they’re tasty. As was my long-awaited cheeseburger. Like everything else now, the food is overpriced, but sometimes a decent burger can be way more satisfying than some lobster or that fancy truffle risotto. Yes, a decent burger, fries and a Coke just can’t be beat.
1008 6th Ave. (bet. 37th & 38th St.)
646/290-6120
fiveguys.com
