Tastee Platters – Montclair

This space has seen a lot of action over the years. I think, previous to being Tastee Platters, it was the takeout annex of its neighboring eatery Empanada or Nada. Because everyone needs two storefronts to sell tiny baked meat pies. Whatever the case, this joint opened to a “what the hell is a tastee platter?” from the local community. For those who even noticed. Or cared. But me? You better bet I both noticed and cared that a halal joint was opening mere blocks from Casa de Hipster. Me, who was a halal cart-o-maniac in NYC back in the day? Chicken over rice with white sauce is up there in the perfect food category.

So, one day on a walk around the corner, I gave into my obsession and walked in. I gotta say, upon initial inspection the place seems like a bit of a front. It was empty that first time I walked in. It was empty every subsequent time. There’s a dude who sits at the awkwardly small front counter who is always just talking into a hands-free phone earpiece and always seems vaguely surprised when I walk in, and another guy who seemingly hangs out in the back, occasionally emerges to talk on his phone in the street out front and then disappears back behind the counter somewhere. It’s like the real business is going on out of sight in the back and the whole restaurant thing is just some sort of Potemkin village. It doesn’t help their legitimacy that this location doesn’t even appear on Tastee Platter’s website. Wayne does. Hoboken does. But this Montclair store is nowhere to be found. Ghost halal is the best halal is what I never say.

The thing is, none of this matters. It’s just my usual b.s. preamble that I do with every review to give you a little flavor. A little humor. A little jerkiness. It’s schtick, but it’s also not. But, yes, this may well be some sort of weird tax shelter. It might be Big Empanada hiding in plain site. But, more likely, it’s a small halal chain (of three) that serves an amalgam of Mediterranean and Middle Eastern grub. But also chicken wings for some reason. The platters and pitas are pretty simple. It’s rice, meat, a laughable amount of veggies (iceberg lettuce and tomatoes), a couple triangles of pita and a large squirt of white sauce. With red sauce on the side, of course. The menu claims there are sautéed onions in there, but they must have evaporated on my walk home. I got the grilled chicken because that’s what I always get. I’m not certain what meat the gyro is, but I assume it’s lamb? No thanks. I must say, even without the veggies, there is a good amount of food for $14. The prices can’t compare with the halal trucks, of course, but in this day and age when you can’t get out of Taco Bell for under $12, it feels okay.

Now, on my latest visit, the two aforementioned dudes must have had some real goings on with whatever this business actually does. Because our order of one platter (for me) and six wings (for Hipster Jr. Jr.) took longer than a flight to Miami. And, as I’ve mentioned, there was not a single other human being there. Nobody came in to pick up. No DoorDash dudes came and went. We were the only customers there right when lunchtime should be. The surprised guy with the earpiece scrolled and talked. The other guy did his jaunt out to the street thing. We thought we heard the fryer boot up, but it may have just been the compressor on the fridge by the counter that held one sad little container of their “famous” banana pudding. They saw us sitting there staring slack-jawed at their poorly printed meme wallpaper and said nothing. Their side hustle must have been their main hustle that day because they were scurrying. Just not cooking. Eventually the front counter dude head-nodded us over, apologized with a smile and we grabbed our insanely heavy bag and jetted.

And damn if that halal wasn’t tasteeeeee. It didn’t have any of the gnarly gristle that you’ll sometimes find in the cart stuff. And their white sauce is legit. It managed to maintain itself, even through the heat of the fresh-off-the-grill chicken and steaming rice, and not be so thick it reminds you it’s made of mayonnaise — which, if you’ve ever eaten halal is a feat. I drizzled the red sauce over everything as well, which gave it a nice kick and a little earthy flavor to boot. I was pleased and stuffed. Though, once again, the lettuce and tomato portions were negligible. Which was fine. But I wasn’t too stuffed to down two of Hipster Jr. Jr.’s chicken wings after she complained about their texture. Me, I found them to be pretty darned tasty. She’s used to the less meaty wings that get a bit more fried and have a sturdier exterior. These aren’t diner wings by any stretch (which are generally huge, soggy and terrible), but they are more robust and have a little less crunch to them. But the flavor — which even Hipster Jr. Jr. had to admit — was on point. Once again, tasteeeeee. Look, the vibe here is a little odd. The service a tad uneven. And, sure, they may be running an illegal Bakugan tournament out of the back room or something, but there’s no denying that they can make some enjoyable grub.

446 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair
973/500-3981
tasteeplatter.com