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The Dominican Republic

by mr. hipster June 23, 2010
June 23, 2010
Dominican Republic
80
Dominican Republic

So we roll into the airport in The Dominican Republic, four adults and three children all told. The tarmac onto which we descend was probably not unlike an angel falling from the pillowy clouds of heaven to the smoldering cinders of the bad place. My shirt caught fire and dropped from my pale shoulders in a melted mass of poly-cotton sludge.

Walking into the thatched hut (past the beautiful ladies with their Polaroid cameras, giant smiles and visions of cashola dancing in their chestnut eyes) that subbed for a terminal in these parts granted us little reprise. It turns out mammoth fans mounted akimbo on hut ceilings do little more than blow sweltering humidity to and fro in a quite wasteful and useless manner. We posed for the family portrait–to be collected upon our departure from said hut on our way back to the lush Garden State–and tried our hardest not to look like the bedraggled heaving tourists that we were. Several lines and passport revealings later we boarded our waiting minivan and embarked on our journey to the resort we would call home for the next five nights and six days.

the dominican republic airport

I was seated up front with the driver because it was decided my six years of high school and one year of college Spanish made me the most qualified and experienced Spanish speaker in our crew. It turns out my five-year-old son would have been better suited to the task, but I managed to pigeon-speak my way through a 40-minute ride with a driver who spoke literally not a word of English. Not a word. It turns out if one nods, furrows one’s brow and combines it with some guttural noises that resemble “uh-huh” and “si” and “aye” that it can easily be substituted for comprehension and make others in one’s company believe he or she is actually contributing to a dialogue about (at least what I believe was) the beauty and history of the Dominican Republic.

Having been booked solely by Ms. Hipster and the wife in the other couple, I had little to no understanding of the topography, annual mean income, racial makeup or general lifestyle of our host country. It turns out that it looks much like the small villages and towns in Mexico, but on what seemed like a smaller scale, and mixed with some Caribbean cultural references that give it a colonial flavor that’s missing (thankfully) on the Yucatán Peninsula. And why wouldn’t it be, you clueless ethnocentric douche (I say in my internal voice), the two cultures are totally different, have different ancestral lines and are not even geographically close? And then, after wending our way through dusty towns, bumpy roads, signage straight out of the 1950s and folks who honestly looked like they could use some of our tourist dollars, we came upon the guard booth, surrounded by high walls and backed by the visage of lush greenery, whizzing golf carts, pale European legs and the smell of chlorined loveliness. And this is the last of the outside world we’d see until our same driver chauffeured us from the gates on our way back to the thatched airport.

Once sequestered behind the inviting walls of Paradisus Punta Cana,the rain rolled in. Yet there we stood ankle deep in the kiddie pools, wrapped in soaking towels and finally getting to the bottom of that Vietnam-era myth of it raining up. Hell, we were on vacation, paying through the nose for our accommodations and at the mercy of children impervious to pruning and a bone-chilling soak. We would spend a lot of time at that pool in the coming week, though not in such a downpour.

And, being the parents of the year, we abandoned our children to a random babysitter (supplied by the hotel) the first night in The D.R. to go eat at one of the less than promising all-you-can-eat restaurants on campus. The young sitter, as it turned out, beguiled and delighted the boys with her easy smile, shy demeanor and good looks that the resort clearly recruited from the throngs of beauties that seem to be in endless supply in the surrounding villages, towns and cities. Where else and how else would a local make a comfortable living other than watching the children of Europeans and Americans wealthy enough to afford that Jacuzzi tub and double marble sink? We bid the kids adieu and crossed our fingers that we wouldn’t come back to absolute chaos (or a ransom note) and headed downstairs to check out our options for dinner.

And this, as it stood, was what became a running joke—in a trying-not-to-cry sense—our entire visit. It turns out that the food at all-inclusives is not the draw. Granted, when left alone in my adult years, I make myself what was termed a ‘banana-eggy’ back when I was five and consists of a cup of milk, a banana, a table spoon of peanut butter, a raw egg (now skipped in my smarter, non-70s recipe) and occasionally some frozen yogurt or ice cubes if I’m feeling bloated that day. So food is all relative to me. We chose from the twelve restaurants available to us, salivating at the thought of all those options. The common wisdom, as noted, started to make all too much sense as we ran across dishes like “discus of cilantroed bull spleen” and “rhombus hare jacketed in cabbage spears,” along with “cylinders of green chicken” and “beefy pasta spirals in a suze of jackal.” Our hopes started to fade. We threw a dart at the book and landed on the steak joint. I won’t harp on the food too badly, but suffice it to say that while my steak was fine, the salad bar was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. There were gelatinous piles of stuff, sweaty cheese, and unfortunate misspellings and/or namings of some of the items on the bar. Apparently, even in a country where our babysitter spoke perfect English, the restaurant staff couldn’t think that they might want someone to double check that “roast of beast” wasn’t gonna sound so good to their paying guests. And so went the week in food. TO BE CONTINUED…

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      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Real Pain

      January 31, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      SGD Dubu So Gong Dong Tofu & BBQ…

      May 9, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary