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Tag

by mr. hipster November 13, 2018
November 13, 2018
Tag
73
Tag
Genre: Comedy
Director: Jeff Tomsic
Release Year: 2018
Runtime: 1h 40min

What else are airplanes for other than to watch stupid fucking movies? I mean, would I actually pay to stream this movie at home, or, god forbid, buy an actual theater ticket for it? We all know movies are for animated features, Ant-Man movies and Black Panther. Jeez. Because who in their right mind would want to see a movie about a bunch of middle-aged guys playing tag? In a movie entitled Tag? Even with a strong cast, this thing seems thin on narrative and even thinner on concept. And there’s only so many nut shots one can stuff into a film before it becomes a movie that should be called Nut Shot: You’re It!

Okay, let’s start with the fact these dummies have been playing the same game of tag since they were nine years old. Jon Hamm and Jeremy Renner were nine in 1980. In 1980 Ed Helms was six, Jake Johnson was two and Hannibal Buress was negative three. That must have been some game. Or some shitty casting. If I were Hannibal I’d be like “So, you’re having me, a 35-year-old man, play a 47-year-old? Fuck you guys.” Seriously, did Dave Chapelle drop out? At least he’s 45. I suppose Jake Johnson is used to the insults and can take being cast as seven years older than he actually is, but it’s glaringly obvious from minute one that these dudes not only don’t look the same age, but that they clearly didn’t grow up together. Technically they place 1983 as the year they started, so maybe Hannibal played tag as a late-term fetus or a newborn. But at least they made Hamm and Renner three years younger than they actually are. It’s an absurd premise that is made even worse by the lack of cohesiveness between the characters. I will go to my grave with the belief that these dudes were never and have never been friends. Especially of the life-long variety. Not even pretend, actory ones.

The thing is, the movie is actually worse than it sounds. It’s not funny, the actors seem to essentially just be going through the motions and there is absolutely no payoff to anything at all. They try the heartstrings thing at the end, but they’ve strained credulity to the point that we just don’t care. The whole narrative is a bunch of feints and jokes about how awesome Renner’s character is at tag, but I think it comes down to his friends actually being idiots who are just really bad at tag. And at life for the most part. I mean, they decide to crash the dude’s wedding after not being able to tag him for 35 years. If you literally can’t lay a hand on a single individual for 35 years, you kind of deserve to suck at life. I know it’s all in the name of comedy, but, again, this movie only purports to be a comedy and doesn’t actually do much that’s comedic. What it does instead is stumble from scene to scene filled with poor screenwriting and lame attempts to push the narrative forward. I actually feel bad for the writers, who were clearly not given much to work with. What’s funniest, actually, is that they have each guy essentially play the character they’re typecast as. Renner the serious badass. Ed Helms the jackass. Jake Johnson the stoned mess. Jon Hamm the buttoned-up, smooth-talking guy. And Buress, the kind of mumbling nervous dude who just wants everyone to get along. There’s also a beautiful blonde woman who plays the reporter who originally got the “Tag” story (as it’s based on a WSJ article about a group of real dudes), but the issue is the reporter was actually a guy named Russell Adams and he is neither blonde nor leggy. It makes absolutely no sense for this reporter character (who, in all honesty, comes across as a pretty terrible reporter) to be in this timeline, or exist at all, but it’s just one more throw-away in a movie filled with throw-aways.

This thing had no business getting made. It serves very little purpose and, even as an airplane movie, was a general waste of time. I should have known that from jump, of course, but that’s what happens when you take a chance on a movie whose dumbass poster should have been a dead giveaway that the movie was going to be a joke.

2018Al MitchellAnnabelle WallisComedyEd HelmsHannibal BuressIsla FisherJake JohnsonJeff TomsicJeremy RennerJon HammLeslie BibbLil Rel HoweryNora DunnRashida JonesSteve Berg
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      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Studio: Season 1

      June 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Residence

      May 30, 2025

      Television Reviews
      Your Friends & Neighbors: Season 1

      July 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Last of Us: Season 2

      June 24, 2025

      Television Reviews
      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Studio: Season 1

      June 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Residence

      May 30, 2025

      Television Reviews
      Zero Day

      April 30, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Mattress Firm “Jumbled Up”

      August 10, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: JUBLIA “Dad’s Toenails”

      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Origami Angel: Feeling Not Found

      June 12, 2025

      Album Reviews
      PUP: Who Will Look After the Dogs?

      June 2, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Origami Angel: Feeling Not Found

      June 12, 2025

      Album Reviews
      PUP: Who Will Look After the Dogs?

      June 2, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Real Pain

      January 31, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Quality Pizza Co. Midtown

      September 10, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      SGD Dubu So Gong Dong Tofu & BBQ…

      May 9, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary