Don’t get me wrong, babies are lovely, but the amount of drool and snot that emanates from their little cavities is amazing. I always assumed the only way to drain this offal from their floppy little craniums was to strap a bib around their necks and allow them to just seep. Boy was I wrong.
The wife comes home from a baby shower one day and tells me that it’s now okay to stick vacuum cleaners up newborns’ noses. I believe she told me this to gross me out, but all she did was pique my interest. I called my mom and asked her if she sucked the snot out of my pointy skull with a vacuum cleaner attachment. She wasn’t really listening, and answered, “No, the maid cleaned the carpets.” After focusing, she claimed she couldn’t remember doing anything of the sort, but seemed to recall me almost drowning once in my own mucousy mess while dozing in my highchair.
I can’t imagine Baby-Vac is the only vacuum-driven nasal aspirator out there, but it certainly is the most entertaining. Check out the commercial, and the porn music themed demo. Is it really a good idea to teach kids to put objects up their nose? I seem to recall a childhood friend who managed to shove enough change up there to buy a happy meal. God was just begging for household accidents when he made us full of holes.
Meanwhile, happy hunting.
