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Unemployment

by mr. hipster March 16, 2015
March 16, 2015
NY State Department of Labor
84

So I finally pulled the plug on any expectation that I’ll find a job in the near future. I bit the bullet and signed up for unemployment. I’ve gone on the dole. I’m riding the gravy train. It’s not as though I haven’t been paying unemployment insurance for years now, but I somehow feel like this is the final straw. This is it. I’m done. Finished. But not really.

I’m just honestly surprised how easy it was to get money from the government. After trying every number in my Yellow Pages listed under the New York State Department of Labor, (and reaching half of the population of Chinatown) I dialed up unemployment in my trusty Web browser and got the 980 number. I went through some yes and no questions and finally got a human on the phone. He talked to me for about two minutes, basically making sure I was smart enough to press a one or a zero at the correct time, said thank you and hung up.

Today I received my introduction letter in the mail, along with a letter telling me what my weekly take-home pay is going to be and a letter telling me a date I have to show up at the unemployment office to talk to some poor councelor who will have no idea what I do or what I want to be when I grow up.

I’ll probably nod a lot and refuse the styrofoam cup of stale coffee. I’ll compliment him on his walrus mustache and admire the way his vaguely country-western beige shirt offsets his ruddy, pockmarked complexion. I can imagine a little swearing fit brought on by a broken pencil tip or ball-point failure, followed by a mumbled apology and a mini-diatribe about the pressures of his job. Then another apology. After all, I’m sure rule #1 in the UI handbook is to not complain about the rigors of work to the newly unemployed. I’ll give him a knowing squint, but will really be thinking about the hideous freeform sculpture I just encountered outside the Starbucks downstairs. I’ll claim to be looking for a job (which I am) and claim that nobody has called me back to offer me a job (which they haven’t). He’ll sigh and check the second box from the right with every question I answer. Then he’ll look up, give me the once over and turn the paper over and scribble something illegible to anyone but him and one remote viewer in an unmarked room in a CIA field office in Quatar. Despite the axiom that guys in lifts and bad rugs are inherently untrustworthy, I sheepishly ask him what he wrote down. He slowly turns the sheet of paper back over and mumbles a very suspicious “nothing.” Now I have a dilemma on my hands. Do I call him on it, or do I just let it go? The guy could have been reminding himself to pick up some arugula on the way home. He may have just remembered that Josie Bissett starred in the TV movie Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear. I go with the more realistic scenario that he thought I projected poorly or came off as snobby in my monochromatic, eggplant t-shirt and v-neck sweater combo. Maybe I am completely unemployable. Maybe he has recommended that the governement rescind their offer for free money. I have a lifestyle to maintain, dammit! “Um, so I saw you write something down. I mean, your hand was moving and ink was, well, coming out and everything…” He’ll probably straighten his papers, knock them together on the desk, and dismiss me with a “Good day Mr. Hipster.” I’ll obsess over his note for the next week until my check shows up, and then I’ll come to the conclusion that I’d rather sit at home sweating out my future than be stuck in one that provides no hope.

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  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Quality Pizza Co. Midtown

      September 10, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      SGD Dubu So Gong Dong Tofu & BBQ…

      May 9, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

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