The Weakest Fortune Ever


I don’t generally take my cues from fortune cookies, or believe they impart wonderful dollops of wisdom, but this has to be the weakest “fortune” of all time.

The odd part is that the thing is exactly right! I do love Chinese food! I hereby change my opinion about the extra-sensory powers of the mighty fortune cookie. I mean, how could they possibly know that I love the tasty MSG-tinged nuggets of chicken and veggies that are so cheap for lunch and so easy for dinner? They must have seen my application to the JCC, or rummaged through my garbage for that Tay-Sachs test I took way back when. There are probably pictures of me from third grade gnawing on a Peking duck leg on Christmas Eve (right after seeing Condorman for the fifth time). In other words, my people are genetically predisposed to loving the grub from the East, just as Republicans are predisposed to bouts of evil-based stupidity and a complete lack of compassion and common sense. (Yes, I’m talking about you, Dick!)

Anyway, whoever this poor five-year-old child is who is sitting in some straw hut in the Qinghai Province penning these pearls in her own blood, I want her to know that she has touched me with her intuition and cute, little smiley faces. Oh, and I hit on those lottery numbers, so I’ll be buying two first-class tickets to China to buy a few crates of really good Rolex fakes. See you there, little Zhang!