Every day I receive a pound of useless junk mail. There are the local store flyers, the giganto-pack of coupons to places I’ll never go, and, of course, catalogs–tons and tons of catalogs. You got your Pottery Barn, your Crate & Barrel, your Pier 1, your Macy’s, and of course your International Male (where you can order your favorite leather shorts). Some I enjoy getting. Some I get because I’ve actually shopped at their store, or ordered something from their catalog in the past. Others, like I.M., I get for no other reason than I got on some list somewhere that said I like mesh shirts and thong-backed banana hammocks. Then this shows up at my door:
You got it right: it’s a catalog of catalogs! Not only is it a catalog of catalogs, it’s a catalog of “the best catalogs in the world!” I’m very sad that this will be my last free issue (although I don’t remember receiving a first free issue) as there is a ton of good stuff in here. I mean, for only $3, I can order this fabulous catalog (one that would go well with that rubber shirt from my International Male order):
After all, I’m sure there’s no way to find free gay porn and/or free gay porn catalogs online. I figure your average foot-fetishist owns a computer, and probably doesn’t need to pay three bucks to get a glossy, color book filled with wonderfully titillating shots like this one. And, as if this wasn’t enough, there is the catalog that everybody needs:
I can remember the last time I was looking for some lobster party lights. I thought, “Jeez, if there was just some place where I could find glowing crustaceans on a wire and maybe some plastic fire hydrants that could light my way to the back door…” Then I found a Spencer Gifts, and all my prayers were answered. Of course, I could have saved myself all the hair-tearing, sleepless nights and that giant, bleeding ulcer if I had just had the catalog catalog to order my Party & Patio Lights catalog. And for all those grannies and shut-ins, there’s this:
I don’t know what to say. I love fuckin’ cats! In fact, I love fuckin’ barns! Amazing that they can combine my two biggest loves in one catalog. I’m thinking of getting some whimsical cat socks, or maybe a unique, fuzzy garden decoration.
Thank God for Publisher Inquiry Services. They have given us a catalog filled with raunchy gay porn catalogs, busty babe catalogs, bizarro sword catalogs and stuff about dollhouses. There are wolf t-shirts and even a catalog of Polish sausage. I’m just amazed that these assholes expect me to pay for more junk mail. As if my mailman doesn’t hate my ass enough with our fifty magazine subscriptions and mortgage insurance companies sending us enough envelops to choke a friggin sperm whale.