I’ve been to a lot more joints than I’ve reviewed. A ton predate the Internet, so they are but memories. But others merely closed before I got a chance to review them. Here’s a list of the bars and restaurants that were in the queue when they met their demise. Never to see the light of day… until now. Included are any in-the-moment notes I took that maybe, possibly pointed to why the place totally bit it.
381 Main Bar & Grill
381 Main St. – Little Falls [Yelp]
Telling Note: I have absolutely no recollection of being here, but apparently I was. Looking at the photos, I think I purposely erased it from my mind because it looks hideous.
Brick Lane Curry House
540 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: A big deal when it opened around 2010, the restaurant has had an uneven go of things in the past few years through COVID. It emerged and remained a relatively popular joint — with its decent grub, but higher prices — but kind of limped to the finish. We actually went back the week it closed and the service was… well, it felt a bit like a funeral. Sad, as my food was actually good. But too pricey for what it was.
Brown Bear Pub
104 Harrison Ave. – West Orange [Yelp]
Telling Note: Another swing and a miss from the old secondary Egan’s space. How does one fuck up a burger this badly? It feels like perhaps they got frozen patties from the local grocery and fries from Ore-Ida. Not good.
Brookdale Tavern & Kitchen
1099 Broad St. – Bloomfield [Yelp]
Telling Note: This joint was a middle-of-the-road restaurant that ultimately failed in a space so many have before it. It re-opened as a fancier version of itself and just gave itself the waaaay more sophisticated name: The Brookdale.
California Pizza Kitchen
1400 Willowbrook Mall – Wayne [Yelp]
Telling Note: I ate a lot of this pizza as a teen. In California. Why in the world should this be a thing in a state where the pizza is actually on the state flag and a deep part of the state’s identity. It should be rejected.
Chengdu 46
1105 US Hwy 46 – Clifton [Yelp]
Telling Note: This was our go-to Chinese destination for post-Christmas, pre-New Years dinner with friends. Waiters in tuxes. Amazing Peking duck. And that funny retro-80s vibe and terrible drinks that one loves to get at your classy upscale Chinese joint in NJ. Apparently the vibe wasn’t for everyone.
Corso 98
98 Walnut St. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: I have a vague recollection of this place. And it reminded me of grandma. That’s all I got.
Crazy Mocha
491 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: The whole goat theme was confusing. Also, there’s a Starbucks right around the corner. Death nell.
Cucina 98
98 Walnut St. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: I think this might be the same place, somehow, as Corso 98 above? This could be why it closed, because I’m deadly confused.
Dai-Kichi
608 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This wasn’t our local sushi joint. I think it was upstairs, which is weird. But, by all accounts, the guy who ran it is a long-standing pillar of the community. I hope he enjoys his retirement, or whatever is going on there.
Dinosaur Bar-B-Que
224 Market St. – Newark [Yelp]
Telling Note: A giant, sprawling space next to the Pru Center, it just felt a little too put on. A little too “rustic” for an urban setting. And also most likely empty when there wasn’t a hockey game going on to support the rent. This ain’t Syracuse, bro.
Dunkin’ Donuts
586 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: It’s problematic when you run out of donuts at a donut shop. And also when there is another location about a quarter of a mile away. Dunzo.
Dunkin’ Donuts
1 Lackawanna Plz. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: Yes, this is another location that closed — and technically moved a few hundred yards away. But when you’re the second-to-last establishment in a dying strip mall, you know your time is nigh. It was unfun.
Fascino
331 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair
Telling Note: We actually had a good meal here and they were very sweet. All of a sudden it was closed and this new joint came in and all note of Fascino seems to have been erased from the Internet. R.I.P.
The Fireplace
718 N State Rt 17 – Paramus [Yelp]
Telling Note: Nostalgia is a biatch. The food here was… not good. The vibe was super-70s, but the burger was straight not vibes.
Friendly’s
1243 Broad St. – Bloomfield [Yelp]
Telling Note: This was probably the dirtiest restaurant ever allowed to serve food to the public toward the end. I vividly recall the kitchen doors swinging open and seeing piles of metal containers stacked on a counter and a sink with flies buzzing around them. The food was terrible and fit only for small, tasteless children. The ice cream is fine, but incredibly over-priced for such a garbage heap of a place. Good riddance.
Guerriero Gelato
571 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: WTF is the actual name of this place? It had about four or five names over its lifespan (Gelati, Gelati by Mike, Mike Guerriero Gelato, Pedro Guerrero’s Home Run Ice Cream…) making it seem like some kind of tax dodge. And why did he have like 15 different “we’re closing this location” notices? The ice cream was fine without the gimmicks, Mike. Chill. Oh, now you’re actually closed. What took you so long?
Horseneck Tavern
11 Bloomfield Ave – North Caldwell [Yelp]
Telling Note: North Caldwell isn’t a town I get to much, but this bar & grill felt oddly similar vibe-wise to this steak place we went to in an office park in Arizona. I feel like it had some wagon wheels and a cow-branding theme, but clearly was trying to be a Houston’s. But felt more like Houston.
Houlihan’s
645 US Hwy 46 – Fairfield [Yelp]
Telling Note: NJ is weird. You go down a highway and literally can’t turn around for miles. This joint was on one side of a highway completely devoid of other options. So, trapped, we’d end up here out of desperation. I think it was maybe housed in an old funeral home? Whatever it was, it was a weird space. The food was fine. But the pall of sadness always hit you half way through your potato skins.
Joe’s Crab Shack – Clifton
405 Allwood Rd. – Clifton [Yelp]
Telling Note: It was really loud, people were wearing plastic bibs and I believe we threw our garbage through a hole in the table. Trashy is one thing; trash is another.
Legacy Coffee
1 Walnut Crescent – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: A good idea gone south because of COVID. They tried. It didn’t work. That sucks.
Mausam
379 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: The loser of the Indian restaurant wars of the 2020s. There were literally three Indian joints (including the winner, Chatni) within a few hundred feet of each other. One skedaddled to Bloomfield (and subsequently closed) and then there were two. Eventually Mausam succumbed to the competition and folded. Side note: I’ve never seen a single person in any of them during the lunch buffet time. So not sure how any of them made it more than a couple months.
Meat-a-Tarian
10 Park St. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This is hands-down the worst name for a restaurant ever. Not to be outdone, it is also one of the worst restaurant experiences I’ve ever had. After sitting and waiting in this weird space all alone for waaaaay too long, they actually tried to serve Hipster Jr. Jr. a burger so burnt, you could have murdered someone with it. It was an unmitigated disaster. It sucked 100% and deserved to die.
MishMish Cafe
215 Glenridge Ave. – Montclair
Telling Note: The food here was actually pretty good, but the parking was a drag for those who can’t walk here, the space was a little odd and the prices seemed higher than they should be for smashed chickpeas. It has kind/sorta reopened in Upper Montclair under a different name with a different vibe, but this old version has been wiped from the WWW.
Montclair Bread Company
16 Label St. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This joint changed its outlook post COVID, moving to the donut game as Rabble Rise Donuts, but then sold itself to a new owner as a donut hybrid place. Maybe? Anyway, this thing isn’t a “bread company” anymore, so let’s call it closed.
Montclair Falafel
16 Church St. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: There was already a better, more established option around the corner in Beyond Pita. Strike One. Also, their balls were small and over fried. Their hummus not garlicky enough. And their food just generally pretty lackluster. Bye.
Nick’s Salugo Bistro
510 Bloomfield Ave. – Verona [Yelp]
Telling Note: This was our go-to pizza joint for a bit. And then a pizza seemed to double in price almost over night. And we bailed. Also, there was rarely more than two people in the actual restaurant any time I ever went there to pick up our pies. It’s also on this weird chunk of Bloomfield Avenue that is seemingly impossible to get to unless you’re a stunt driver.
The Office
619 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: Something about going where everyone knows your name… I don’t know, this place was kind of an institution. One part sports bar. Another part place to bring really loud children and totally not parent them. Dark and a little weird with its chopped-up interior, it always felt vaguely on the edge of combustion. And then it did. And has been a creepy-to-think-about empty space for a long time now.
Osteria Prime 151
151 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: Apparently I went here. And it was a steak place. I look at the picture online and I still have no recollection. It doesn’t look like a place I’d enjoy eating. But maybe the food was good. Not good enough, though.
Pairings Palate +Plate
10 Walnut Ave. – Cranford
Telling Note: This is a confusing name. I don’t know how to pronounce it. I seem to recall being in this restaurant for like four hours. This is not a winning formula for staying open. Hindsight, man.
Palazzo
11 South Fullerton Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: I’m going to theorize on this one. Parking. I hate to use that as an excuse for places, but this location in particular is tricky. This place lasted longer than most, but almost every other joint that has tried out this space has failed because it’s tough to get to. We had a nice mother’s day here once. And apparently it maybe has kinda/sorta re-opened in another space in Montclair.
Pig & Prince
1 Lackawana Plz – Montclair
Telling Note: The space was cool. The booze was decent. The food was… weird. Because English food is not particularly appetizing to most people. Way too many guts and butts, if you know what I’m saying. Apparently, the owner bailed when the developers of the surrounding plaza couldn’t get their shit together and opened a sandwich shop. Which someone ordered for us once. It was good.
Poke 360
360 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This was actually my first poke experience in NJ. There was never anyone in here. Maybe it’s the location. Maybe it was the austere interior. Maybe it was the fact it was like a Minecraft learning center (where Hipster Jr. Jr. once had a birthday party) before it was a restaurant. Whatever the case, the food wasn’t bad. It literally closed the day after we ordered from there.
Rice and Noodles Thai Cuisine
600 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This is the most mysterious restaurant in Montclair. It has seemingly been five different Thai restaurants that constantly change names. Sometimes the awning is scrubbed of all branding. Sometimes it has an actual name. It seems like a tax dodge. I don’t know. It’s currently yet another new Thai place, but I’m going to call this incredibly generically names version closed.
Royal Bagel & Deli
560 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: In an area and state where people value their bagels and fight about which are best, nobody ever mentioned Royal Bagel. That’s bad. Also bad? Their bagels. They were too fat and bready. Still probably better than what you’d find in Maine or Indiana, but that shit doesn’t cut the mustard in Essex County. This joint also felt… not particularly clean. It was around for a long time, but always an afterthought. If it was a thought at all.
Salute Brick Oven Bistro
173 Glenridge Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: The food here was actually decent. The rounded door and space was fun. There was some weirdness around the ownership and some clear struggle around the administration of the place. So it imploded. It happens.
Sandwich Theory
590 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: So many sandwich options in the area, this one and its vaguely science-y concept just didn’t feel authentic in any way. And so it went. Only to rise from the ashes in its new incarnation and new location as Mercado.
Six Brother’s Diner
475 Rt 46 E – Little Falls [Yelp]
Telling Note: This place was weird. There’s no other way to put it. Too weird, apparently, to move into the new century and contribute in a meaningful way.
Smashburger – East Hanover
368 NJ-10 – East Hanover [Yelp]
Telling Note: How do you screw this up? Oh well.
Stuffed Grassfed Burgers
150 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: These burgers were actually pretty good. I think it’s the word “stuffed” that brought it down. Also the concept of a stuffed burger is gross. Anyway, the owners of this joint have rebranded and moved the business to the classy side of town under their new banner. So it’s a happy ending for everyone.
Sushi Hana
5 N Fullerton Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This place was always a disaster. Though its slow roll toward closure was evident to anyone who went there on the regular. Which we did. I watched the tiny girl who answered the phone grow up to go off to college, the space morph and shift over the years and the general vibe go downhill. It was a little sad (not for the girl, but for the business). I hope wherever this family is that they’re doing well. The restaurant, however, is dunzo.
Thai Chef
664 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: This was the place. Literally, this is the restaurant that people pointed to when they mention how sophisticated the Montclair dining scene was back in the early 2000s. Frankly, I never really liked it. And then the business started down an odd path, slow-rolling catastrophe. Open intermittently. Failed sanitary checks. And then just quiet closing. Now surrounded by new construction, it just sits there vacant, a sad note of Montclair’s old-world cache.
Tilted Kilt
80 Washington St. – Bloomfield [Yelp]
Telling Note: This place sucked. The concept was like sexy sports bar, maybe? Which I didn’t know when I was invited to watch some football there one afternoon. Like a low-rent Hooters, I think? The servers seemed uncomfortable with the whole thing. They were out of every beer we ordered. And the other patrons were weird. It felt like a place on the verge even when it wasn’t. Good riddance.
Uptown 596
596 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: I think I went here for brunch once. I’m sure it was fine. Fine just won’t cut it in this landscape.
Villa Victoria
11 Park St. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Note: Hoofa. This joint bit it like no other. Once the jewel of the downtown pizza scene, mismanagement and chaos brought it down. It didn’t help that you’d order two pies and one would be all floppy and undercooked and the other would be burnt and almost inedible.
Villalobos
6 S Fullerton Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Notes: This was actually a pretty fun place. Lively and happenin’. The food was tasty too. I guess the owners either got bored with the concept, or just couldn’t make the numbers work with upscale tacos and shifted to the weirdo Japanese / Italian concept that followed (which is apparently all the rage). Who knew?
The Wood Pit
108 Bloomfield Ave. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Notes: While it certainly felt authentic, I could never walk out of there not drenched in sweat and smelling of wood smoke. After being inside for two minutes to pick up my order. It was dark and… drippy. And for all the pungent fragrance in the air, the food never seemed to retain the flavor it promised. Ah well.
Zachy
150 Valley Rd. – Montclair [Yelp]
Telling Notes: Poor planning dooms restaurants. A to-go- place situated perfectly to serve a massive high school audience clamoring for options. The issue? Opening during COVID when there are no students. And not actually knowing that despite, I think, owning the bagel store next door. And then when things finally get back to normal, understaff the place, have a wonky online ordering system and generally failing to launch. Funny, as the food was actually pretty good — though overpriced.
Zinburger
850 NJ-3 – Clifton [Yelp]
Telling Notes: A Zinburger is actually good. I don’t like wine with my burgers. That’s not good. Hipster Jr. once got really sick at Zinburger. That was bad. It was acutally before we walked into the place in the parking lot. That’s no reflection on the restaurant. Just a memory. And now it’s gone. The place. The memory is still strong.
