The Beekeeper

Let’s get this straight; The Beekeeper is some absurd shit. Like a really dumb action thriller that feels like an 80s throwback to the bad-old Arnie days. Bullets and bodies, quips and craziness. An impossible killing machine played by a relatively shrimpy British man masquerading unconvincingly as an American. Or maybe not an American? That point is not key to the film. In fact, points are not really the point of the film. The void of a simple revenge fantasy perpetrated by a undying Golem with Jason Statham’s face is where we end up. But, somehow, it’s better than it sounds.

Let’s start with the inciting event. Because that’s where all of these movies start. It used to be the murder of the revenger’s wife or girlfriend. Then they killed John Wick’s dog and spawned an incredibly successful four-film franchise and spin-offs. So Beekeeper takes its swipe. Let’s kill the dude’s landlord and watch him plow his way through every bad guy thrown at him. No, literally, Adam Clay’s (Statham) landlord (Phylicia Rashad) gets taken in a phishing scam and commits suicide. First, there is no way this character is shooting herself. It’s an asinine narrative device. Even more ridiculous is Clay’s attendant murder spree. I mean, we all hate online scams, but it’s an insanely over-the-top reaction for a woman who let him use her barn to tend to his bees. Shit, he didn’t know the woman well enough to know she had a daughter in the F.B.I. Until said daughter shows up to arrest him for the “murder.” The whole thing is laughable. Though perhaps that’s what they’re going for?

I’m trying to figure out how else to describe this thing. Statham does very little in the way of acting in the traditional sense. His mysterious character is supposed to be a more-action-than-talk kind of guy, and he just spends most of the movie kicking dudes’ asses. And one very dangerous woman’s. Because he’s a Beekeeper, damnit. What the hell is that, you ask? Well, if you have to ask, your already dead! But, no, Beekeepers are like the ultimate judge and jury to keep world order. Someone “threatens the hive” and it’s their job to neutralize that threat. Insert bad, cringey dialogue about how a beehive works and the workers and the queens and all that stuff. Also, all the American officials in this film — including the President of the United States — are played by English actors. Sorry, that was just an aside, but also gave the film a sheen of surreality that just buzzes under the surface. See what I did there?

Anyhow, the best way to enjoy this film — and it is somehow pretty fun and enjoyable — is to completely turn your brain off. Do a bunch of whippets (nitrous oxide, not the dog), run full speed into a giant linebacker, watch a couple episodes of Storage Wars. Anything to lower your IQ by double digits and/or put yourself in an altered, dumber state. And this unrealistic, rudderless movie will bring you completely guiltless joy for an hour forty-five. Honestly, it’s not a good movie. It’s not a terribly memorable movie. Statham is a humorless, bot-like version of every James Bond and action hero of the 80s. He’s more believable than Schwarzenegger as a pseudo-American agent, but his charisma feels complimentary and not primary. He’s the straight man. He’s the overly-serious deadpan guy who needs the comic relief or wise-cracking sidekick to really bring out his better qualities. But, again, I’m not certain the filmmakers wanted that dynamism. Because I think at some level this movie is a spoof. Or, not a spoof, but a goof on these ultra-violent thrillers pegged to revenge. Or the expansive network of spies and power brokers. It does all this, but in a subtle tongue-in-cheek way. Like they think this whole thing is funny. But only maybe. Because its absurdity is what makes it fun. And Statham’s lack of emoting and personality also kind of makes it curiously fun. In the end, it’s an old-school shoot-em-up that has something interesting going for it. And that something is that it wears its stupidity on its sleeve and isn’t afraid to just entertain and leave the brain work for the nerds at Cannes.