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Juliet, Naked

by mr. hipster October 25, 2011
October 25, 2011
Juliet, Naked
78
Juliet, Naked
Genre: Contemporary Fiction
Author: Nick Hornby
Publication Year: 2009
Length: 406 pages

Did you ever have that cool uncle? You know, the one that was 38 and drank and smoked and cavorted with hot young thangs and was a “musician” and didn’t conform and had a fast car way beyond his income level and a bachelor pad in the bohemian part of town full of “vintage” furniture and a couple porno mags that he’d show you but tell you not to tell your folks? Yeah, me neither, but you know the type. To you he was cool as fuck. Your parents and most other adults rolled their eyes and shook their heads when his name was mentioned, but what do those squares know? Uncle Billy is the shit. And then one time you show up early to his house and catch him in his tighty-whiteys, drunk and sobbing on the phone to some chick who dumped his worthless ass. He hangs up, caustically lights a cigarette and cries like a little girl amongst his piles of take out cartons and garage sale belongings. The veil is lifted. Uncle Billy isn’t cool; he’s a bigger loser than anyone you know. A sham. You leave in shame and embarrassment and hope that he doesn’t call you again.

And that’s a little bit how I feel about Nick Hornby. I loved High Fidelity. It spoke to me, as it did to many boys/men in and around my generation. It was the book we all thought we had in us. It was fun and funny and insightful and really fuckin’ cool. I was ready to become a disciple. He was Uncle Nicky with the Camaro, the Lucky Strikes and the Playboy Playmate girlfriend. About a Boy was okay, a little schmaltzy, but passable. Not at all cool, but certainly passable. And then came along the absolute crapfest that was How to be Good. It shook me to the core. A Long Way Down was a Breakfast Club rehash but without the humor and with British people. It may have well not been written by the same guy, stylistically agnostic and flat as an Irish prostitute’s ass (to coin an awful phrase).

Given that spate of general fuck-offery, I suppose I shouldn’t have been excited for this book, but Nick Hornby writing about music and/or musicians somehow seemed like it had the potential to be a return to form. The issue is that in real life cool Uncle Billy apparently got over his sobfest, straightened up, sold the Camaro for a Caravan and moved his now 53-year-old ass to the suburbs with his new Internet wife and two rugrats. Life has tamed Uncle Billy, who never really was a wild man, but a lonely loser in a costume that fooled only wide-eyed adolescents looking for something different than their parents. I know I’m stretching this analogy way too far, but in this case it applies not only to Hornby himself (not that he ever purported to be anything like this, but his writing elicited those feelings), but his main character in this book, the former rock star, Tucker Crowe.

Tucker was a Jeff Buckley type, with the same fervent crowd of music lovers, cultists and adoring female fans who thought he was just dreamy in his broodishness. Granted, Tucker’s fanbase was certainly smaller, and he didn’t drown mysteriously in a river, but it’s hard to believe Hornby didn’t model at least some of this character after Buckley who released the critically acclaimed “Grace” to small sales but a Jesus-like following from groups of young Americans and critics. Then came the subsequent, posthumous album, “Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk,” that was full of some finished songs and other half-baked demos. One of Crowe’s biggest fans is this dude Duncan, who has dedicated his personal life to being a “Crowologist,” dissecting Crowe’s music and sharing his deepest thoughts on the subject with a group of other middle-aged dorks on the Internet. Dragged into the middle of this obsession is Duncan’s wife, Annie. She is a semi-willing participant in his hobby dedicated to a man who hasn’t been heard from in twenty years. She goes as far as accompanying him on a tour of America (coming from a sea side town in England) that only includes places that had significance in Duncan lore, including a toilet in Minnesota. The story seems that its focus would be on Tucker and his relationship with these rock star’s ghost, but the tale kind of takes a tepid turn.

The story becomes Annie’s. She sees that this man to whom she’s married is kind of a lump. His love of music, especially his passion for Crowe’s masterpiece, “Juliet,” used to be inspiring and intellectually and artistically exciting. Now he’s just kind of a dork–and a dork who had blind allegiance to a memory. It is this revelation and Duncan’s feelings on a new/old demo of “Juliet” (titled “Juliet, Naked”) that he receives that leads her to strike out on her own and express her own feelings about art and Crowe and everything else. This in turn leads to a chance relationship with Crowe himself! What the hell are the odds of that happening!? The story goes on from there, explaining what happened to Crowe in the intervening years between his abrupt retirement and his lame existence as a house husband in an American suburb. And there’s your disappointing uncle exposed.

The issue here is I’m not sure what point Hornby is trying to make. Annie is a boring character. Crowe is a man who has literally sat around for twenty years with no motivation beyond impregnating random beautiful women and drinking. The narrative, once the connection is made between Annie and Tucker, just kind of circles the drain and circles and circles. There are a few “aha” moments, but they’re ultimately more shrug-inducing than anything else. It turns out Crowe is just kind of a selfish douche, which is surprising to no one. Annie is kind of a sad sack who ends up a sad sack who at least got to hang with a douchey, washed-up rock star for a while. Tucker seems to be the only one who ends up getting what he wants and comes out the other end a happier person, though he is oddly sidelined for about 80% of the book. My thought when I finished the book? So what.

2009Contemporary FictionNick Hornby
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      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Mattress Firm “Jumbled Up”

      August 10, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: JUBLIA “Dad’s Toenails”

      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mickey 17

      July 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Sweet T’s Southern Eatery – Montclair

      July 24, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Tinga Fresh Mexican & BBQ

      July 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Sweet T’s Southern Eatery – Montclair

      July 24, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Tinga Fresh Mexican & BBQ

      July 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary