The Acolyte

I do not enjoy Dave Matthews. His whole thing sounds like squawky didgeridoo music. But every time I hear the title Acolyte, the song “Satellite” plays in my head. Although it’s like just that word — which I assume is in the chorus. Because I don’t really know the rest of the song. Nor do I like it. Because I don’t like his music. I’m still wondering if, perhaps, I still like his music better than I like this show. It’s a tough call. Granted, I’ve spent around 320 minutes with The Acolyte and thirty years with Dave, quickly changing radio stations and “accidentally” bumping CD players at bad apartment parties. Shit, I pretended to smoke for years in order to quickly walk outside at bars that put his nonsense on the stereo. I’m not really sure there’s a point to all of this, but I’m also not sure there’s really a point to The Acolyte. Or to most of the Star Wars content these days.

So, I’d heard not so great stuff about this show coming into it. But the completist in me beckoned and I relented to its siren call. And for the first couple of episodes I wondered what all the negativity was about. The soft bigotry of low expectations. Because as the episodes progressed, the quality degraded and the general why-are-we-doing-this nature of this story became evident. Witches. I don’t like ’em. I didn’t like it in Ahsoka. Even in WandaVision I wasn’t into them. And I’m not interested in it here. Magic is dumb. I mean, card tricks and stuff are fine, but the whole point of witches — or at least the cautionary tale — is that they’re not real. They’re paranoia and misogyny and the wrongheadedness of religion used to scapegoat women and blame them for everything from scabies to droughts. Anyway, once it’s clear in episode three we’re doing the witch thing, my mind started to wander. It was brought back by the occasional semi-cool-looking lightsaber battle, but there was very little else to pin one’s hopes on that this would be a worthwhile endeavor.

It’s just… what are we doing here? Another chamber drama played out on obvious sets about characters that we don’t care about in a universe that has become increasingly convoluted and scatter-shot… It’s no wonder Disney+ looked at this and was like, okay we need to rethink this. In fact, maybe we need to rethink this whole damn thing. This hiring of actors who, frankly, might not be the best choices for the roles. Or for the job of “actor.” It was rough sledding at times, the dialogue delivery. Both in terms of its writing and in terms of those not-so-great words coming out of the mouths of the actors who are, in some cases, just not very good. I’m over The Volume. It gives this uncanny valley feeling about the whole universe. And it cheapens everything. I wouldn’t call it cheesy, but it certain smells of cheese. And despite the fact they claim most of this show was not filmed using the video wall, it still somehow gave off that same sense of artifice.

And reading a little about how show creator, Leslye Headland, came up with some of her themes and world building, I’m wondering if perhaps she painted herself into a corner. Gave herself too many rules and talked too much about what this series was going to be and in doing so stifled the creative process. I’m not talking about the idiots online complaining about people of color and other things the trolls always complain about, but the muddy themes, the whole twin trope thing and an incredibly unclear idea of what a Jedi is supposed to be made for some seriously stilted and rather dull stuff. Plus, I think this was supposed to be a sci-fi mystery, but there is very little mystery about who The Stranger is, for instance. Assuming, of course, this is supposed to be the mystery. Manny Jacinto is listed on IMDB as The Stranger for god’s sake. And maybe that’s not the core mystery, but I’m uncertain or uninterested in what the other mystery or mysteries might be. Or maybe the idea is that this required a second season, which the show isn’t getting. The point is, Headland approached this show as a fan trying to satisfy all her fellow fans. And we know what happens when you try to satisfy everyone… You satisfy nobody. So, sure, there are some cool scenes. And at times it even seems like this show might be decent. But then a bad feint or sour note sounds and we’re back on the hamster wheel of trying to rebuild trust. All within an eight-episode season. There just isn’t enough space to balance the good with the just okay.