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Tell Me Your Secrets

by mr. hipster August 21, 2021
August 21, 2021
73
Genre: Mystery Drama
Service: Prime Video
Series Year: 2021
Watch: Prime Video

This was a mistake. A big mistake. I sunk almost ten hours into Tell Me Your Secrets and I still have no idea who’s telling who whose secrets. No, seriously, this title is absolutely confusing and the show an unmitigated disaster. From the plotting to the dialogue to the over-the-top, remarkably bad acting, it was a real struggle to see it through to the end. Ms. Hipster and I looked at each other at least once every five minutes questioning if the show was supposed to be corny and borderline unwatchable. I’m pretty sure it was not. Though I’m not quite positive. And, look, sometimes you run out of TV. Or, more so, you run out of things that don’t have subtitles or require enough brain power that you can’t surf and watch simultaneously. This is what brought us to this series. We saw that it starred Lily Rabe, Amy Brenneman and Hamish Linklater and were like, “How bad could it be?” Turns out, pretty bad.

I swear to god, this is the plot of the show. A woman named Karen (Rabe) is the girlfriend of a dude, Kit (Xavier Samuel), who turns out to be a serial killer. They are arrested together, she as a co-conspirator. I think. She is let out of prison for some unknown reason, and for also no reason put into witness relocation in Louisiana and renamed Emma. Not to mention, Karen/Emma has some sort of PTSD-related amnesia about her time with Kit and doesn’t remember if she’s really an enabler of a serial killer or not. Or maybe the serial killer herself! All of this makes little to no sense, and is not in any way how the justice system works, but anyway… There’s another woman, Mary (Brenneman), whose daughter has been missing for some time. There is some video tape from a gas station that leads her to believe that her daughter was last in the presence of co-serial-killers, Kit and Karen. So when she gets word Karen has been released and has gone into witness relocation somewhere, she hires ex-rapist, John (Linklater), to track her down. Because — and I swear this happens — she hears he’s really good at stalking women. But then is surprised when she sees another video of a woman describing being raped by the dude she knows is a rapist. So she was fine with him as a rapist prosecuted for the women she knew he raped, but there being others he wasn’t prosecuted for? Oooh, well that’s a bridge too far! I mean, what the actual…

So, let’s get this straight: there is an amnesiac woman in witness relocation after not really witnessing anything or giving testimony of any kind who is being hunted by a serial rapist at the behest of a distraught woman who thinks by finding said amnesiac that she’ll somehow find her missing daughter who would definitely be dead if she was, in fact, kidnapped by a serial killer. This is leaving out the whole thing about Karen/Emma being monitored as part of her witness relocation and put up in a house by what we can only surmise is a creepy psychiatrist, Peter (Enrique Murciano), whose role in all this is barely and poorly explained. Because federal witness relocation is run by a random, shady shrink who happens to also be a landlord? Fucking hell, they barely tried to make this make sense.

At some juncture I Googled this show to see if maybe there was some reason it was such a mess. After all, they tout it as being “from the producers of The Undoing.” That series wasn’t great, but at least it was professional. Apparently this series was originally intended for TNT. Which makes a whole lot of sense. But then was scrapped after the entire thing was shot. Which makes even more sense. Because one viewing of this by anyone with half a brain would realize there are some serious issues with it. But Amazon must have gotten it cheap from off the trash heap and just slotted it into their Prime lineup as an “original” and took a flyer on some name actors attracting suckers like me.

Despite the convoluted and, frankly, ludicrous plot, I figured maybe the show could be saved by some actors whom I recalled being decent in other stuff. Rabe was mostly fine in the seasons of American Horror Story I’ve seen, from what I recall. Linklater is actually really funny as the slacker brother in The New Adventures of Old Christine, and is weird, but totally serviceable, in Legion. I’ve seen him in other stuff as well, but don’t recall his acting being offensive in any way. Not here, though. Not here. His character is truly awful. A violent rapist trying to go straight, but also sent on a mission to stalk and torture a woman and shit. He manages to charm women with his demeanor and, uh, wiles. But he is creepy as hell. No woman would ever talk to this dude, let alone go home with him. He plays it all on-the-edge-of-crazy, but also autistic. A psycho who snaps, but is also, weirdly, kind of a good detective. Despite having no history as anything other than a sexual predator. It’s completely goofy, and his performance is just embarrassing. It’s so over-the-top and poorly written that it feels like a parody. Though we all know it’s not. But the worst performance goes to Brennemen as the aggrieved mother who will clearly stop at nothing to get her daughter back — even though we all know she’s dead. Her character is fucking bonkers. She screams and throws things and is blood-thirsty and bizarre. And Judging Amy there just goes for it. I mean, I vaguely recall her doing some heavy smoking acting in The Leftovers, but nothing could prepare us for the insanity of her throwing herself around during screaming matches with Linklater over cell phones. It’s so cringey and should honestly end her career as an actress.

The show itself is told in a combo of present action and dream-like flashbacks that are mostly super-vague and amateurish. I’m honestly not even sure what they’re trying to do half the time. Presumably they’re trying to illustrate Karen/Emma’s memory slowly coming back to her from her amnesiac state, but the writing is sloppy and these narrative diversions end up making our unreliable narrator less unreliable than confused. Leaving us confused as well. I suppose I did laugh a lot, though. Like more than I have during some “comedies” I’ve seen. But it was nervous laughter, I guess. Or uneasy laughter because I felt bad for everyone involved. I’m almost proud I outlasted this series. Considering its genesis, I can’t imagine there will be a season two, but they certainly left that possibility open. Amazon would have to be insane to pick this up. Like a-mother-sending-a-serial-rapist-after-a-female-serial-killer-to-solve-your-daughter’s-disappearance insane. That’s right, it’s that stupid.

2021Amy BrennemanChiara AureliaElliot FletcherEnrique MurcianoHamish LinklaterLily RabeMarque RichardsonMystery DramaPrime VideoXavier Samuel
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      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mickey 17

      July 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary