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Contraband

by mr. hipster July 24, 2013
July 24, 2013
Contraband
87
Contraband
Genre: Crime Thriller
Director: Baltasar Kormákur
Release Year: 2012
Runtime: 1h 49min

If you, like me, had a strong sense of déjà vu watching the first 15 minutes of this film, you’ll know that the feeling of being a crazy person isn’t unwarranted. Because this film, like the millions before it, involves a man — in this case Mark Wahlberg — who once led a life of crime, but is now an upstanding member of society, who, because of his loyalty to a dipshit or two, gets sucked back into his old life of crime for “one more job.” And, again, if this sounds familiar, it’s because this plot device has been used more than the tried and true “let’s get a some misfits together to win a race or a tournament or a contest in order to save an old age home/an orphanage/a rec center/a family business/etc. from the threat of progress.”

And, let me tell you, you shouldn’t be calling on Marky Mark if you’re looking to put some spice in an old, tired formula. The guy acts like I golf. And I don’t golf. But I guess there’s always Kate Beckinsale. She’s a bit wasted in this role as Wahlberg’s wife and the sister of the aforementioned dipshit who gets Mark back into the game, but her time on screen at least caused me to look up from my laptop for long enough to catch snippets of the “plot” as they plodded by. So Wahlberg’s crime of choice in this fine film is smuggling. Thus Contraband. Deep, right? And, boy, is he a darn good smuggler. He’s like the LeBron James of smuggling. Like he’s a man, and all the rest are boys. He’s dunking and they’re just dribbling. You get the idea; he’s awesome at bringing stuff on boats from one place to another undetected.

So he, of course, gets all wrapped up in this one last smuggling job, leaving his beautiful wife in the hands of a trusted friend and kind of just plain leaving her in he path of all the psychopaths — including the continuously over-acting kingpin, Giovanni Ribisi — who he’s having to do this job for in the first place. And about Ribisi: he was fun when he was on TV as the weird brother or stressed out ex-con, but ultimately he’s just a wiry, little man who mumbles like he has a wad of cow tongue in this cheek. He’s Brad Pitt from Kalifornia — but like all the time. It’s not scary, but rather laughable. Psychos need to be big and brawny and look like they’d tear your heart out with their teeth. He seems like he’s just looking for a fix and a couch to crash on.

So, anyway, Wahlberg gets in deep with counterfeiters and stuff and buys stuff and stashes stuff and pulls David Blaine-like trickery with stuff. I believe in that lingo, it’s called “misdirection.” And everyone he loves back home is terrorized and he makes threatening phone calls and yells and stuff from boats and payphones and stuff, but nobody cares. And, get this; Wahlberg’s dad was also into running contraband! So that’s where he learned it! But dad is in prison, and his pretty wife is afraid he’ll also end up in prison, but he has to save her brother. The misery! So the trials and tribulations get a little weird for a while, but you can guess how it ends. Think Shawshank or Trading Places, but with head wounds.

2012Baltasar KormákurBen FosterCaleb Landry JonesCrime ThrillerGiovanni RibisiKate BeckinsaleLukas HaasMark WahlbergMichael Beasley
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      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Studio: Season 1

      June 3, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Mattress Firm “Jumbled Up”

      August 10, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: JUBLIA “Dad’s Toenails”

      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      Empty Country: Empty Country II

      July 30, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Wavves: Spun

      July 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Actionslacks: The Scene’s Out of Sight

      July 25, 2025

      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Empty Country: Empty Country II

      July 30, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Wavves: Spun

      July 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Actionslacks: The Scene’s Out of Sight

      July 25, 2025

      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      A Complete Unknown

      July 31, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Mickey 17

      July 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Coda Kitchen & Bar

      July 29, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Sweet T’s Southern Eatery – Montclair

      July 24, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Tinga Fresh Mexican & BBQ

      July 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Coda Kitchen & Bar

      July 29, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Sweet T’s Southern Eatery – Montclair

      July 24, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Tinga Fresh Mexican & BBQ

      July 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Maple Leaf Diner

      February 10, 2022

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary