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The Romanoffs

by mr. hipster December 30, 2018
December 30, 2018
The Romanoffs
89
The Romanoffs
Genre: Anthology
Service: Prime Video
Creator: Matthew Weiner
Series Year: 2018
Watch: Prime Video

Sometimes we let people get away with stuff because of their past success. We let them indulge in things that are then foisted upon us because at one time we labeled them a “genius.” Such is the sordid tale of Matthew Weiner. Sure, he was one of the writers on The Sopranos, which was admittedly one of the best shows of all time. And he was the creator and creative mind behind Mad Men, which, in retrospect, was very good, but a skosh overrated. His other projects were mostly underwhelming or, in the case of Andy Richter Controls the Universe, only things that I and like five other people ever saw and enjoyed. So, why, based on that iconic resume — but not highly-rated in a Marvel movie or CBS sitcom kind of way — would Amazon agree to fund what amounts to essentially eight feature films based on a loose theme around a family that nobody really remembers or cares about? Only, Weiner doesn’t even really do that, as his loose construct seems to be more of a sell job to Amazon than a through line that he actually decided to follow in his own stories.

The first sign that this may not have been a successful endeavor is that after four episodes, I sighed out loud and said something to the effect of “Well, at least I can say I tried.” That was on or around October 27, 2018. I didn’t realize, however, that there were four more episodes to go, with the fifth coming out on November 2. So, not only did I have to slog through four more episodes, I had to wait around for them to be released over another month’s time. I have no clue why they decided to not just drop them all at once. It’s not as if anyone other than a desperate person on a plane to and from Dallas would want to ingest anything this long and dense in one or two sittings. But I’m a glutton.

Now, look, I know most of this is my fault, but I had some idea that this was some sort of cool mystery show or something. I seem to recall a TV movie from the 80s about the Romanovs that I have no proof exists, but it examined the phenomena of at least one woman claiming to be the one surviving member of the royal Russian family and whatnot. Oh, it does fucking exist: Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna! Holy crap, it starred Amy Irving, of all people, and Christian Bale in his first movie. The things that I agreed to watch with my parents in 1986 are amazing. Anyway, I thought the series was going to literally be an anthology of people claiming to be Romanovs (or Romanoffs) and people either believing or not believing them. And it would be fun watching wackjobs reconstruct their ancestry and figuring out who’s for real, who is insane and who is just in it for whatever fame and fortune might be at stake. Sounds fun, right?

Well, as it turns out, there is very little of that. Yes, again, there is more or less some Romanoff stuff in each episode, but with the exception of one of the stories, it’s not really at the heart of things. And, in a couple cases, it’s barely even a thing. It just feels like that if you’re going to pick a subject and something that is as specific as this family that maybe you’d want to make it more relevant. But I’m not Matthew Weiner, and I suppose Amazon knew what they were getting for their money (which, by the way, consisted of eight episodes filled with mostly wealthy-ish white people). For my money, this is what I got from the eight episodes (in order):

“The Violet Hour”
Aaron Eckhart, the rich man’s Thomas Jane, stars in this seriously awkward Parisian tale of nothingness. Eckhart, a ne’er-do-well dude who lives in Paris for some reason, is essentially waiting for his rich old aunt to die so he can inherit her really nice apartment. It’s completely unclear wether he actually cares for her or is just after her flat. Against character, the racist-ass aunt makes friends with a muslim caretaker and a really unrealistic situation ensues that feels entirely fake and stupid and the end makes little to no sense. This was where I almost bailed.

“The Royal We”
Corey Stoll embarrasses himself in a Julian Sands-in-Boxing Helena-like performance where he gets de-nutted by the cute girl from Scrubs. It’s basically the plot from the awful 1986 movie, Separate Vacations, so you can imagine how well this goes. It’s truly painful to watch. I have no idea how I pressed on. But I did.

“House of Special Purpose”
Okay, at least this one was a little different. Like they went out of their way to make it kind of off-kilter and weird. Set in what amounts to an Austrian forest, Christina Hendricks shows up to star as a Romanoff princess in a miniseries about the family’s murder. The oddball thing is that Hendrick’s character is supposed to be kind of a lousy actor, and it’s really unclear where the lousiness begins and ends with her. She played kind of a stiff on Mad Man and does the same here. It’s questionable if she actually has another gear. I’m thinking Weiner’s favoritism hurt what could have been a much better episode had the lead been stronger. Its kind of creepy Alfred Hitchcock air made it an outlier in the whole series, but maybe should be a direction they consider if, god forbid, they ever make a second season. But the ending is just plain dumb.

“Expectation”
This is Weiner’s Woody Allen episode. It’s nice to see New York on television and not Canada-as-New York. But despite the nice New York of it all, he tries some flashback directorial stuff that totally doesn’t work. Luckily the actors kind of save this one. Amanda Peet is always great and John Slattery is low-key super-engaging. They make an attempt to tie some of the characters in this one to earlier episodes, which actually make a ton of sense, but later seems strange when they never really try it again. The plot is nothing new or special, but it feels a little more connected to the universe.

“Bright and High Circle”
After two watchable ones, this one completely shits the bed. It’s borderline one of the worst episodes of television from 2018. Diane Lane — who was actually a minor character in “Expectation” — is the mother of three boys who take piano lessons from the gay friend, Elijah, from Girls. The rich ladies in their rich community kind of spread this rumor that the teacher may or may not have done something untoward with one of the children he teaches. Queue all sorts of over acting from Diane Lane and poor Ron Livingston and a bunch of overblown stuff that feels more at home in the 50s than in modern liberal society. It’s all really silly and feels really fake and fizzles majorly. Like a really terrible episode of Big Little Lies.

“Panorama”
Absolute garbage. Feels like a middling episode of Red Shoe Diaries, but with less nudity. This might be worse than the episode before it, but at least we get to see Mexico City, which looks interesting — if not a little kidnappy. To explain its banality would be to put you right the hell to sleep.

“End of the Line”
This one, set in a dark, cold Vladivostok was one of the better vignettes in the series only because it seemed to have a point of view. The Romanoff connection was a little forced, but a couple’s voyage to adopt a Russian child is mostly made good because of the funky surroundings and the always excellent Kathryn Hahn and the awesome Mad Men everyman, Jay R. Ferguson. It gets a little melodramatic, but had a decent mix of weirdness, humor and drama to at least keep your attention for most of the 90-minute runtime.

“The One That Holds Everything”
This episode didn’t seem to know about the seven that came before it. It has prosthetics and murder and a twisty-type plot that just feels out of place with the rest of the series. Again, it feels a bit like a discount episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, but at least Weiner tried something a little more attractive to a mainstream audience. Because, you know, people love murder.

2018Aaron EckhartAmanda PeetAndrew RannellsAnthologyBen MilesCara BuonoChristina HendricksClea DuVallCorey StollDiane LaneEmily RuddGriffin DunneJack HustonJay R. FergusonJJ FeildJohn Slatteryjon tenneyKathryn HahnKerry BishéLouise BourgoinMatthew WeinerNoah WileyPaul RiserPrime VideoRadha MitchellRebecca RootRon Livingston
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  • TV
    • TVTelevision ReviewsGood / Bad Commercial
      Television Reviews
      The Four Seasons: Season 1

      July 18, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Better Sister

      July 13, 2025

      Television Reviews
      Your Friends & Neighbors: Season 1

      July 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Last of Us: Season 2

      June 24, 2025

      Television Reviews
      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Four Seasons: Season 1

      July 18, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Better Sister

      July 13, 2025

      Television Reviews
      Your Friends & Neighbors: Season 1

      July 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Last of Us: Season 2

      June 24, 2025

      Television Reviews
      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Studio: Season 1

      June 3, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Mattress Firm “Jumbled Up”

      August 10, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: JUBLIA “Dad’s Toenails”

      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      The Wrens: The Meadowlands

      July 23, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Sioux Falls: Rot Forever

      July 14, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mickey 17

      July 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Tinga Fresh Mexican & BBQ

      July 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      McDonald’s (West Village)

      July 10, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Tinga Fresh Mexican & BBQ

      July 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Falafel Hut

      July 12, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary