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The Martian

by mr. hipster January 26, 2016
January 26, 2016
The Martian
82
The Martian
Genre: Sci-Fi
Director: Ridley Scott
Release Year: 2015
Runtime: 2h 24min

Ms. Hipster read this book. She liked it to some extent, but remarked at how detailed and relatively dry it was. You know, lots of science about how to grow plants in poop on a planet some 60 million miles from Earth (at its closest). There’s a reason why you very seldom hear people say they’re going to be a botanist when they grow up. Oceanographer, sure. But never a botanist. In fact, I can only think of one other botanist character in all of my movie brain, and that was Chris Cooper’s creepy portrayal of real-life botanist (and orchid thief) John Laroche in Adaptation. He was hardly a stud who could have survived beinsg stranded on a planet all by himself. And was definitely not a hero. So this movie was a real boon for the profession. Of course Chris Cooper was in The Bourne Identity with Matt Damon, so maybe it was Chris who convinced Damon this could somehow be a juicy part. But I’m sure not.

Now the trick would be turning a decent, but relatively slow book into a big, sci-fi blockbuster starring one of Hollywood’s true sweethearts, who would have to pull a Cast Away and talk to nobody for about 90 minutes. Luckily he would have a more convincing audience than a volleyball, as this stranded astronaut, whose team left for him dead on Mars, records his thoughts and feelings on the multiple GoPro cameras that seem to be placed in just about every crevice of his living quarters, vehicles and other various locations in and around their encampment. Those are just for posterity and not being broadcast anywhere, but it’s certainly helpful for us as the audience. Though — and I blame this on some clumsy direction — it just seems like an hour of Damon reading us passages from the novel and providing lots of exposition in this kind of detached way. It’s about as compelling as your dad reading the instructions for that IKEA dresser out loud as you turn the hex wrench. There just wasn’t enough in terms of the variation of devices to deliver that info, and the way it’s delivered makes it seem like Damon is maybe building a loft in his dorm room and not a life or death situation that depended on him making that right decision and executing perfectly.

This leads back to Ridley Scott. I always think I love the guy’s direction, but it seems I’m mostly basing that on the fact Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies of all time. Looking at the rest of his filmography, it’s way less impressive. Ignoring his last movie about Moses that nobody I’ve ever met actually saw, his last two efforts were Prometheus, which I really disliked and thought was a total mess from a directorial perspective, and The Counselor, which was one of the weirdest and worst films I’ve seen since Lady in the Water. And, yes, I know the guy directed Alien, Gladiator and Black Hawk Down, but I really only liked one of those movies and one of them I actually never saw. I’ll let you guess which is which, but suffice it to say that I like sci-fi, hate tales of Rome and just couldn’t take another depressing war movie when the third came out. Regardless of what you think about his track record, this one could have been amazing. It could have been grandiose and moving and dramatic. Instead it somehow felt small and inconsequential. And, most of all, it felt goofy. Mars farming done to disco music. Even the big crowd scenes that try to expand the universe and make the movie seem more grand would have made Roland Emmerich blush or would have made the Ewok celebration look well formed.

Is it a bad movie? No. Is it an Academy-Award-winning movie? While I don’t have a lot to judge it against, I’d like to think that it’s not. It just felt like everyone involved needed to try harder to make it better. From the script, to the direction and, honestly, to the acting, it was as if everyone was on autopilot. Maybe part of that is the dense source material. Nobody wants to sit around listening to someone expound on the properties of different chemicals to a GoPro, but the amount of yada yada-ing they do on the science in the movie just makes it seem unimportant — when the basis of the whole thing is that our main character is going to “science the shit out of it.”

2015Benedict WongChiwetel EjioforDonald GloverJeff DanielsJessica ChastainKate MaraKristen WiigMackenzie DavisMatt DamonMichael PenaRidley ScottSam SpruellSci-FiSean BeanSebastian Stan
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      Your Friends & Neighbors: Season 1

      July 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Last of Us: Season 2

      June 24, 2025

      Television Reviews
      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Studio: Season 1

      June 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Residence

      May 30, 2025

      Television Reviews
      Your Friends & Neighbors: Season 1

      July 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Last of Us: Season 2

      June 24, 2025

      Television Reviews
      MobLand: Season 1

      June 13, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Studio: Season 1

      June 3, 2025

      Television Reviews
      The Residence

      May 30, 2025

      Television Reviews
      Zero Day

      April 30, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      The More You Know: How to Pronounce “Comfortable”…

      June 10, 2025

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Mattress Firm “Jumbled Up”

      August 10, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: JUBLIA “Dad’s Toenails”

      February 20, 2023

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: J.G. Wentworth “Living at Home”

      December 19, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Bad Commercial: Apple iPhone 12 “Fumble”

      April 15, 2021

      Good / Bad Commercial
      Good Commercial: GEICO “Tag Team Helps With Dessert”

      March 15, 2021

  • Music
    • MusicAlbum ReviewsThe Music ListConcert Reviews
      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Origami Angel: Feeling Not Found

      June 12, 2025

      Album Reviews
      PUP: Who Will Look After the Dogs?

      June 2, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Turnstile: Never Enough

      July 8, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Lifeguard: Ripped and Torn

      June 28, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Cameron Winter: Heavy Metal

      June 17, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Mclusky: the world is still here and so…

      June 16, 2025

      Album Reviews
      Origami Angel: Feeling Not Found

      June 12, 2025

      Album Reviews
      PUP: Who Will Look After the Dogs?

      June 2, 2025

      The Music List
      The Grunge Diaspora

      August 15, 2024

      The Music List
      I Still Own a Lot of CDs

      June 13, 2024

      The Music List
      Top Listens 2023

      January 1, 2024

      The Music List
      In Defense of: OMC’s “How Bizarre”

      July 18, 2021

      The Music List
      Top 25 Influential Rock Albums

      May 1, 2020

      The Music List
      In Defense Of: Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004”

      December 29, 2019

      Concert Reviews
      The Get Up Kids @ Starland Ballroom

      February 27, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Dirty Nil @ White Eagle Hall

      January 26, 2025

      Concert Reviews
      The Beths @ White Eagle Hall

      September 26, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Pearl Jam @ MSG

      September 9, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Cloud Nothings @ (Le) Poisson Rouge

      May 15, 2024

      Concert Reviews
      Band of Horses @ The Wellmont Theater

      February 13, 2024

  • Movies
    • Movie Reviews
      Mountainhead

      July 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Fountain of Youth

      June 24, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Different Man

      June 10, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Problemista

      May 22, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      Flipside

      May 4, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      The Gorge

      March 2, 2025

      Movie Reviews
      A Real Pain

      January 31, 2025

  • Books
    • Book Reviews
      Trust

      June 19, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Razorblade Tears

      May 24, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Plot

      March 14, 2025

      Book Reviews
      Maximum Bob

      February 17, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Sympathizer

      January 6, 2025

      Book Reviews
      The Zone of Interest

      July 12, 2024

      Book Reviews
      Klara and the Sun

      April 13, 2024

  • Podcasts
    • Podcast Reviews
      The Wedding Scammer

      March 1, 2025

      Podcast Reviews
      Search Engine

      November 27, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Hysterical

      August 30, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      60 Songs That Explain the ’90s

      March 31, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Otherworld

      February 29, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Behind the Bastards

      February 13, 2024

      Podcast Reviews
      Time Crisis

      January 26, 2024

  • Booze & Grub
    • Booze & Grub ReviewsBooze & Grub: NYCBooze & Grub: NJThe NYC Booze & Grub GraveyardThe NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      CAVA – 350 Hudson

      June 19, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Westville Hudson

      April 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Five Guys – Midtown West

      January 25, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Jaz Indian Cuisine

      December 23, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Just Salad – Hudson Square

      November 13, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NYC
      Quality Pizza Co. Midtown

      September 10, 2024

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Seoul Bistro

      July 4, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Ralph’s Pizzeria and Italian Restaurant

      June 27, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Rooster’s Nashville Hot Chicken

      June 18, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Oso Felipe

      June 6, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      Mambo Cuban Restaurant & Lounge Harrison

      May 23, 2025

      Booze & Grub Reviews: NJ
      SGD Dubu So Gong Dong Tofu & BBQ…

      May 9, 2025

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      August 9, 2022

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The Press Box Restaurant & Pub

      August 3, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Natureworks – Midtown

      May 6, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      The National Bar & Dining Rooms

      April 10, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Hillstone – Midtown

      March 5, 2021

      The NYC Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Connolly’s Pub & Restaurant – 5th Ave.

      February 12, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard: Gone Before Their…

      July 21, 2024

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Scala del Nonna

      February 15, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Diesel & Duke – Montclair

      January 30, 2023

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza

      September 14, 2021

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Junior’s Cheesesteaks & Shakes

      December 21, 2020

      The NJ Booze & Grub Graveyard
      Vanillamore

      June 13, 2020

  • Randomness
    • Travel Reviews
    • Video Game Reviews
    • Product Reviews
    • Odd Finds
    • Diary