Cuisine: Chinese
This joint was probably dreamt up by our commie, pinko president who wants to take away all my guns and is a nazi. I mean “red?” Get it, red? Like People’s Republic of Red Chinese Commie Bastards. And “farm?” Which is clearly code for nazi, gun-stealing revolution. Or something. And what do these socialists serve? Chinese food! Right under our noses. And with communal seating where we share our space like run-of-the-mill sickle-swinging peasants. And if I didn’t love my country so damn much I might tell you that the food was inventive and tasty and whimsical and a perfect mixture of textures, both crispy and soft, and of my two favorite flavor profiles: salty and sweet. But, of course, my Americanness was tested in more ways than that, including having to gorge my American stomach in a restaurant resembling a Broadway play set combining a Chinese village and a Vietnamese boat dock. And, most offensive to my red, white and blue heart was their attempt to destroy our beautiful country’s tradition of making reservations. How else to judge how much my moolah influences others? These distributers only take walk-ins. Damn them! Of course, I’ll have to go back, not to drink some more of their delicious cocktails, or to experience some more velvety black cod or Pac-Man inspired appetizer, but to keep an eye on the revolution from the inside out. These ObamaFarm people are tricky and I’ve made it my mission to keep tabs on their new tasty tricks. [MF]
529 Hudson St.
212/792-9700
redfarmnyc.com
